i dont what it is anymore with inside me

i dont know how i can go through days anymore the friends i suposily know are all smart goodlookin talented at somethin they always have a girl chattin em up and shit sendin them calls texts while  i have barly any girls who would even look at me in the hallway iv left my phone on for few days to see the loser who i really am not one single female texted me or “friend” calld me. i used to be great at sports was startin linebacker got respect from fellow men around me and varsity wrestling and used to be outgoin wouldnt care then  for some reason started gettin self concise with my self idk i used to be really depresed  in middel school i would cut my self but stoped and to everyone around me is smokin drinkin and iv alreeady been known to be the big pothead drugy or drinker i feel i started doin drugs cuz i couldnt fit the mask i was presenting i started drinkin at very young age smokin ciggarets regulary in middel school 7th 8th grade started smokin weed gettn drunk and that set in with the aditional suicidal thoughts i had. then went to a heavier weed adiction and then i started drinkin for nothin then went to trying nitrouse, dmt, ketamine, acid. iv done these and felt amazing but idk and the girls iv been with they have just played me and hurt me like a fool only a few girls. i feel like when i walk through the halls the girls try not to look at me. my week spot used to be i was vulnerable to everyone in middel school i was to nice to loyal to people around me and to some them and most around me i only expresd hate and presented them with fear i was a freak once what a girl said to mecurently who i knew for a while since 4th grade. ik i really dont get remeberd or tlked bout for any good or positivty only hes scary as fuck, hes weirdd, hes fukin creep, hes crazy, hes drug addict, hes fucked up i tryed all that shit for respect and shit. ik i dont wana go to college its not what i wana do. seems   sometimes i wana just cry for all the shit iv done and how fucked up i act around the ones that care. and how come i cant tell anyone bout these emotions i think im afraid and idc anyore but when the day comes in the future that lays ahead of me ill know whats right and wrong.