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I feel nothing…

by FairysHuff

32 years my body will have been alive this summer 2012. Yet I am within this body, this machine of meat and bone and I feel nothing. I’ve always been like this. Flitting between crushing boredom and suicidal depression. I have never enjoyed anything and have never felt happy. I am so tired of struggling day by day. I gave up faking the normal attitude people and society expect from us years ago. I couldn’t do it anymore. It was after this that I was finally diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. Looking back now it all fits into place. But this is a suicide help board not an Aspergers board. So I will leave that part to the side.

Since I was 8 years old I have been fighting depression and a strong desire to end my life. It’s wearing me down every day. I look outside and feel nothing, the trees, sky, homes, people etc aren’t real and may as well be a poor excuse for a black and white movie in my eyes. Even my own body I feel disconnected from. I am so tired of fighting it. It’s only a matter of time before I end my life. It could be today, it could be another 30 years from now. All I know is that my life will end by my own hand.

How do you live when nothing feels real? When nothing matters? Not even yourself. I just want to sleep…

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GSXRScott 6/14/2012 - 3:29 am

You and me both man. I’m 36 and I just want out of this machine that nature put me in. My only fear is that I’ll be recycled and end up being put back in another body/being born again.

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