I had so much to say, but no one to listen.

I push people away when I’m afraid, because I don’t think they could ever handle my feelings, I’m still trying.
Have you ever had one of those days, when you just hate everything? And even dropping your pen makes you want to break down and cry?
I always feel as if I treat people right, I strive to make sure the people I love are alright, even the ones that hate me. But have you ever had someone that continues to tell you that they dont deserve you? or they just keep rejecting your love? but they still stick around. It confuses me, do you want me to love you or are you letting me down gently? I’ve always been a firm believer in saying things as they are. I respect people that tell the truth, and even if it wasnt something I wanted to hear, I wouldnt mind, I would be happy they told the truth. Sometimes I think I’m so impure, well people would call me a slut.
But i’ve never seen it like that and I dont believe anyone is a slut. Because how can they be bad, if they are only doing sexual acts with people they love?
I genuinely always adore the people I do things with, its never just been out of the pure fact of just having sex or because I’m drunk. It’s becase I love people a lot, and want to make them feel good. It probably sounds crazy, but to me it has so much more meaning. There´s a voice in my head telling me that I´m fat, ugly, a total failure, that I´m all alone in the world, that no one cares, that I´m ugly and stupid and worthless. Maybe it´s just a voice. Maybe the voice is lying.But what if I´m really fat and stupid and a failure, ugly, alone and worthless? What if no one cares? What if it´s hopeless? What if?
This is why I hate talking to people, you see what I just wrote it sounds crazy and pointless and whingy. But my feelings about everything are so crazy and so strong and on a different level than you could ever imagine, its like everything I feel is heightened all the bloody time.
It’s amazing how quickly your mood can change, how deep your heart can seek and how much one person can affect you.
One of the only people I truely care about is like me, well they are actually more important than me, but they share common feelings I suppose. It makes me feel terrible to think that they feel like this too. Its too much.
;;; In class I cant focus, I’ve lost all concentration when I need it most. I;ve missed tonnes of lessons and school days, assignments and avoiding any school activity. Even when I think about school it makes me want to cry, how melodramatic huh? I feel so pointless. I just feel like I need someone, but I want to be confident enough to not need anyone. But thats the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, we all need someone.