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I will find a way to die

by Yorubara19

I live in a spiritual community and I finally realize how unhealthy this whole place is. There is no love here everyone here is so judgmental and fake. Its all political. You go away for a while and no one greets you with even just a smile when you come back.

I only feel good now when I am on my meds, and they always wear off in time.

I’m in hell. My boss here is a manipulative a-hole who has no boundaries. I had to tell him I needed to go to the hospital.When I came back, he asked me how it was in front of my co-workers! I was so ashamed!

I am 26 year old woman. I wanted to live in peace with the world but the world wont let me. I have to fight against discrimination in the workplace or at home, or in my spiritual community. I don’t feel entitled to anything but to live without feeling like it is wrong for me to even exist.

When I told my boss that I might suffer from depression he said…”oh well I am too probably hahahah…we all are that’s why we have this spiritual practice.”

I dont want to end my life, but I want my suffering to end. The worst suffering of all, is the lonliness and the shaming that I am receiving from ignorant pathologically religious people who think I should just pray harder. I’ve been depressed since I was 7 or earlier.

I pray for 2 hours a day.  Ive done this for years. Every morning and every night, for an hour a day. Its required of me. I have to in order to live in this community. Sometimes I would rather be homeless. Because I would be allowed to go have fun when I want to, like a normal person my age. I would be free to explore the world, instead of stuck in this room, with no money and no way of escape.

I want more than anything to just be happy again, so that I can feel alive and contribute LIFE back to the world. When I smile, the world smiles back. When I can’t smile, it brings other people down too and I’m tired of being a burden to my family.

I just want to put myself out of my misery. I wish someone would for me, like I wish the government would take anyone who wanted to die seriously, so that we could die with dignity. Just rid the gene pool of my chemical imbalance please.

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3 comments

verysad 6/3/2012 - 8:11 pm

A change of environment would be good for you,Is that at all possible?
I pray a lot also but I think sometimes prayer is not enough .
The people who are around you are jerks, thats not your fault, People who are like that normally have underlying problems of their own.
Don’t drop to your their level, your better than that

Cheers

feelsliketoday 6/3/2012 - 9:50 pm

I have a thought for what you can try… I don’t know if it will work, or what your education or skillset is, or how willing you are to do it, but here goes…

Your community sounds like a prison. Clearly the prayer isn’t helping. You should think about ways to move away. If you are unemployed, look to either fill out some applications at some local places, or try to sign up for school – maybe take out some loans? Also to actually move out, look on the internet for people that are subleting rooms, especially those that sub lease them out for a low charge in exchange for maid services or whatever (I have done this in the past when I was busy consulting and it turned out well). I hope this finds you and helps, good luck.

Yorubara19 6/4/2012 - 4:07 am

Yeah I need to move out, but my skills are low and my ability to work is doubtful. I suffer from PTSD especially related to social settings and people. I may also have some other form of untreated social disorder or mood disorder, I cannot register people’s feelings or social cues at all, and I am hyper vigilant with people all the time so much that my body hurts constantly from the anxiety. . . Thus this desperation I am in well.. I am open to abuse in all walks of life since I am easily suggestible (desperate) or I am completely the “identified patient” in any group. Currently I am working out trying to get on SSI, so that I at least have a little bit of income, however in order to get on SSI I need a much more comprehensive diagnosis, which I am working on while I am not on any health insurance. It is a tricky thing. I think about how I have no hobbies and how I haven’t helped anyone really in this life, and it makes me feel like it would be best for everyone if I were to move on if you know what I mean. I really wish I could own a pet. Anyway your one comment has helped me a lot today so thank you very much.

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