i’m broken , i’m slowly fading .. i just want to give up ..

my boyfriend and i have broken up , for good this time.
we’ve been together for a long time.
I made him my everything , my life , i trusted him and opened my heart to him .. gave him my heart.
He was the only one to have the key to my heart.
But the other day i had to make the hard decision of leaving him..
i was always second best , i wasn’t his main priority , though i always had time to make him mine.
He had crushes on girls , threw them ontop of my importance in his life..
it became to much , and i tried to ttell him how i felt and he though ignoring me would be cool.
Then the girl he had a crush on messages me telling me to leave him blah blah .. that he’s giving up and moving on , as he’s ignoring me but never ended anything?
It was the hardest thing i’ve ever done.
Part of me feels like he will come back , he will miss me he wont be able to be away from me from all of the memories we shared and times spent together , or how we were so close.. and all of the stupid fights made us a stronger couple. or even how no one else will put up with his **** like i did. i always was there.
then part of me feels like he’s really gone..
i just want to fade away , i broke up with him i guess to see where we stood.. because if you love someone set them free… if they come back they’re truly yours , if not they were never yours to begin with right?
i’d like to believe that..

but now i’m trying to be strong , and it’s not easy ..
faking a smile .. then at night drowning in my tears.
i miss it all ..i really do , and i just want to give in and talk to him and tell him i need him
but that’s all i have ever done…
i’ve always fought for him , it’s time for him to fight for me right?

i’m depressed.
i’ve tried overdosing.
i’ve tried everything.
It’s sad when my life revolves around wanting to block everyone out , and wanting to sleep forever , or getting drunk.
iit should be opposite i know
but our whole relationship.. all i’ve ever done was get stomped to the ground.
and before i knew it .. it was too late to even get picked up . i became acquainted with the fact that i was always getting stomped over.. no matter what i was always there.. and stuck by his side like nothing ever happened.
throughout everything .. throughout my heart getting ripped out of my chest a million times.

I miss him.
and i don’t know what to do.
it’s not even some stupid little romance story .. or omg i just fell in love for the first time..
this isn’t my first time falling in love.
this is my first time falling in love this hard though.
he was my bestfriend and boyfriend.
losing that sucks..
he got me through my life.
and now i’m more than lost.

can someone just please tell me what to do .. help me .. please.
it’s like my last desperate call.
i’m literally bawling my eyes out writing this….
nights like this my mind ponders. and i feel so alone
im stuck inside myself wondering if he’ll come back
praying he will.
i need him too.
i just need him to get his stuff together and realize what he had.. i need him, it’s almost sick
you can tell me you don’t need anyone or rely them that much
but you know what..
the feeling of never being able to explain how much you love someone because it means so much more than words can explain..
explain that.