I’m in misery…

A few years ago, my business partner stole millions of dollars from me which forced the closing of the business that I spent my life building.  Shortly thereafter, I turned to gambling out of desperation, and what little I had left after he stole the money has been consumed by it.  It has destroyed my life, my family’s lives, and my career.  I have stopped gambling, but the consequences have finally pushed me past my ability to cope with them.  While I don’t necessarily want to die, I simply can’t deal with being asked literally 20 times or more per day for money that I owe but have absolutely no way of obtaining.  My own family comes to my place on a daily basis asking for money I owe them, so I have no escape, and I have nowhere else to go.  I have told them that they need to stop because they are going to drive me to suicide, but I have said it so many times and haven’t carried through with it that they are numb to it, keep coming over, and even say things like “You’ll never do it”.  I am like a caged animal that keeps getting poked and prodded.

I have tried a “choking game” style suicide three times, each to no avail.  Every time I fail at suicide, I become petrified that I am stuck in this world with absolutely no way out.  I can’t seem to bring myself to jump from high places, or I would.  I don’t have a gun or money to buy one.  I just want the misery to end, but I have no money, no job, no prospects, and no one that cares about me anymore.

If anyone out there has any sympathy at all, pray that I simply die of natural causes tonight.  Death doesn’t scare me – making it happen seems to elude me though.  I suppose if I try hard enough, the hanging thing will work.  I just hope it works soon.