I have pushed so many people away from my life… I’m so sick of being fake around people… if I’m genuinely not happy with myself I don’t want to be around others nor do I want to bring them down… I just want to be left alone to deal with my own emotion and problems.
Being Adhd and Autistic isn’t easy for me, during my teens I’ve done a lot of drugs as an outlet to help me express myself since so much I felt I was suppressed through society, school, parents…Â even though now I don’t smoke or pop pills anymore I just don’t feel right with myself especially after the time when I got out from the U.S Military that’s when I first was diagnosed and learned about my ADHD and Autistic mental disorder problem. My mind isn’t how it used to be, it used to be a lot sharper and on point and I would pick up things so much easier… but now its like I’m off key and I’ve been out of tune with myself for more than 10years and now I’m 28years old… this isn’t the way to live in this world how can I live life to the fullest when I’m out of tune with myself? I feel confused and frustrated, I don’t do much anymore but stay at home I’m usually by myself on the internet whether I’m playing online video games or watching porn masturbating… I see life being somewhat pointless at times, everyone comparing one another according to what they do or have or how much they make, what they accomplish, achieve, what career, goal, relationship they’re in… if this is what a human being is measured by then its just fake… its all a mask a persona an ego… when you take off the mask/ego what do you have? just the Being or Spirit.
“Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another.â€
― Albert Einstein
Just a few hours ago I tried to commit suicide lets just say it was by using and inhaling certain cartridges that’s supposed to bring a painless death. Didn’t exactly work out as easy as some of the reviews I read online… when I was on my 20-30th cartridges I started puking because it made my stomach feel so unpleasant due to the smell of the cartridges… I was high as fk don’t get me wrong but I wasn’t dead, I was just high and puking all over myself while laying on my bed… it’s supposed to be an easy and painless death and yet I can’t end myself… I’m not sure if I can even end myself through this method I don’t even believe this is a pleasant way to go.
I guess for now I’ll just keep on living since I failed in killing myself today maybe it’s the Universe way of telling me that its not my time yet… hopefully things will get better.
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Before you decide to take your life, imagine who will find you. Imagine them walking into a room, and seeing you just hanging there. Whether it be your little sister, little brother, mother father, grandparents, a friend. Imagine what will happen when they find you. No, they will not say “Finally, they’re gone.†No, they will not say “I’m happy they did that.†No, they will not say “I never loved them anyways.†They will die. Their hearts will break. They will hurt, more than you ever could. They will cry, scream, and break down. They’ll believe it’s all just a dream, praying to wake up. Except, they won’t feel that for a few seconds, or a few days, not weeks, nor months. They will feel that until the day they die. Everyday will be hell. They’ll think of you ever second. They’ll hate themselves for not being able to help or save you. They’ll wish they could die too. They’ll want to give up, just to be with you. They won’t be ever be happy again. They won’t smile. They won’t go back to their daily routine. They’ll die every time they walk past your room, or see a picture of you, or think of a memory with you. They’ll think, but stay quiet. They’ll visit your grave, feeling a knife go through their chest every time. And every morning when they wake up, no matter how long it’s been, they’ll wake up to thinking they’ll see you, only to be let down once again. And every night, they will cry themselves to sleep, because even though they refuse to admit it, know you’re gone forever.
Before you decide to take your life, think of your family, burying you. Yes, your own mother and father are planning your funeral. It’s supposed to be the other way around, but it’s not. They’ll have to call the cops, sign a death certificate, pick out clothing, buy a tomb stone, a casket, pick out flower arrangements, and more; All for their child’s funeral. The morning of your funeral, everyone who loves you is wearing black. Tears are streaming down their face, while their heart is breaking. Everyone who you thought didn’t need you, or didn’t care, are waiting in line to see you. They aren’t waiting in line at a party, or a graduation, or at a wedding reception. They’re waiting to see you, hands folded, lifeless, in a casket.
Before you decide to take your life, think of everyone you will be hurting. Don’t you dare so no one, because absolutely everyone will be affected. Your grandparents, won’t have a grandchild anymore. Your parents, won’t have a child anymore. Your brother or sister, won’t have a sibling anymore. Your pet, won’t have an owner anymore. That person you sit next to in class, won’t feel your presence anymore. Your teacher, won’t have a student anymore. That time your grandparents told you no, will haunt them forever, thinking it is their fault, that you are now dead. That time your parents yelled at you, will haunt them forever, thinking if they didn’t yell at you, you would still be here. That time your sibling said they hated you, will hate themselves, because they believe you would still be alive if they said they loved you instead. Those kids who made you feel bad, will wish they were dead too, because if they just smiled at you instead, you would be here. That teacher that you didn’t meet her expectations, will feel like a failure, because you would still be here, if she believed in you. Everyone, who has ever been in your presence, will hurt, because if they showed you they cared, you would still be here.
Before you decide to take your life, think. Don’t just think of yourself, think of the consequences for everyone else. No one’s life will be the same again. That person who God made specially for you, won’t have you. That happiness that was waiting for you, will never show again. Before you decide to take your life, realize that you may be ending your pain, but you’ll be starting a lifetime of everyone elses.
If you are feeling alone, and think that suicide is the only way out:
My ask is open, and I’m always here. I’ll never judge you. I’ll try to help you.
Thanks for caring and being concern. To be honest I did do some preparation in thinking it through, had a notebook ready on my desk and wrote my reason as to why… I have been quite distant from my friends and family for some years now, no one really understand me from deep within and at times even I have problems in understanding myself… but for whatever the case if I were to end it things it shouldn’t be that heavy on my family or friends, I’ve always appear somewhat of a mystery to them because of my introverted personality… but I do agree with you on the having to call the cops, sign a death certificate, pick out clothing, funeral casket everything, I believe that would be the hardest thing for my parents to face and I would feel bad but would hope they’ll be strong in going through with it if I didn’t make it.
With the incident today… I was actually taking a gamble on my life hoping to induce a (NDE) near death experience… it’s to a point where you are near the brink of death but not dead which can help one induce an Out of body experience… I just wanted to bring myself closer to God/Source and ask for help in healing of my body, mind and spirit… although the chances if I went too far with the inhaling of the cartridges I might end up dead or in a Coma… but in a way I wasn’t really aiming to die but rather I was aiming to connect closer to God in order to become whole and knowing the risk that I could die doing so.
– Well I’m still alive and although I wasn’t able to induce an Out of body experience the attempt I made today was very real and intense which could of costed me my life. I’m not planning to die anytime soon unless of course it is my time to depart. Doing these type of life threatening risk is a bit too extreme even for me I can’t see myself going through that again unless of course there was a way better method in doing it.
I know this whole Out of body experience may sound a bit too outlandish or wild to believe but for someone like me who have experienced it numerous of times as a teenager growing up I know for a fact that it’s real, these experience I had were never induced from anything life threatening but rather out of spontaneity.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOhtjodjiQE&list=FL3l3ipIiMdkuOUEQZ99qlyQ&index=6&feature=plcp
– Thank you Alexa for being a caring person. Just know that everything I do it’s for a reason if I am to help others in life to be of service to others then I want to make sure I can be at my fullest potential in order to help them. My life is dedicated towards a higher purpose towards the helping of those who are lost and in pain, which is why I need to become stronger because I’m not just doing this for myself. Just know that my intentions are good.
-Thomas