I’ve had images of hanging myself, stepping in front of a train or automobile, and now I’m obsessed with thoughts of knives through my arms.
I’ve never cut. I can’t handle physical pain, so why does my mind automatically go toward knives puncturing through my forearms? It wouldn’t be a release for me as I have understood it to be so for other people. Instead, the physical pain would be a distraction to the mental pain. It would also be a punishment.
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Well I am an ex-cutter cut free for 8 years now, but I have the deep scars and burn marks on my my arms and hands to always remind me of my first real addiction.
For me I don’t remember ever having any pain when I did it, it just felt good and adrenaline rush like taking a hit of crack. but I don’t encourage you to try it. its addicting, shaming, and leaves nasty scars on you for the rest of you life.
Okay I got on a tangent but my point was that everynight when I lay my head to rest and say my prays I get these morbid fantasies of me cutting my throat, injecting myself in the neck or arm with a needle full of poison, cutting my stomach open, stabbing myself in the chest, hanging myself, jumping of buildings, ect. you name it I have have thought about it.
The thoughts of it are my obsession rather than the act itself. I can’t handle what a paper cut feels like let alone a knife stab. But I can’t stop the thoughts. I guess the thoughts take my attention away from my emotional state.
I wonder what it is about your brain chemistry that has caused this to be an addiction for you before you eventually stopped.