Just another bad day

So, I get annoyed when people complain about how much their life sucks, but hey this what this website is for right?
Okay so i’ve been struggling with depression for a long time , around 5 years or so. I’m 19 now but even when I was 13 and 15 i would get in these slumps, especially when I was 15 since my entire school hated me and I just kept fucking up with my family and things.
I always felt like i was missing something.. Me and my family didn’t always get along but we do now. No one I know has ever known about my depression..
So the past two years have been especially bad. First things first, I get these dizzy episodes alot where I am about to pass out. It happens at work alot. I’ve had to quit/got fired from almost every job because of this. I have been dating the man of my dreams for almost 2 years..i moved away to be with him (not the only reason why) to a place where I had absolutely no family and no friends and sat at home alone literally everyday for a year, couldnt find a decent job and couldnt go to school. And my health issues are probably the biggest issue, it limits even more what i can do. And i mean I can’t go out of town with friends, i cant go to the pool, i am afraid to drive far, i can barely go to the grocery store alone. I can’t do anything anymore. I try to forget about it and just do what i like to do but then it ends up screwing me over cause i will blackout and feel i am going to faint and people just don’t understand the seriousness of it. I know theres worse things out there but this is pretty darn scary. So that and along with the other things brought me into such a low place that i’ve never been. And my boyfriend .. We’ve talked about getting married and having kids . But he got tired of trying to make me happy and it not working since i was upset, instead of really being there for me he kind of became very distant. Would work all day, come home then go to sleep. Every day. And i moved back home to be wjth family and friends and he broke up with me. He sweared he never wanted to leave me but just now i just feel even more useless. I truly cannot and do not want to be with anyone else and it sucks. I just don’t want to live anymore, i’ve thought about if i would die what would happen to my family and i just wouldnt be able to kill myself because of how much i’d hurt them. I just dont care if i’m alive or not anymore. Also my bestfriend became addicted to meth and is in jail for awhile and that was the only person i could talk to who would understand. I have to take online classes because i am not well enough to go to school and have spent thousands on hospital bills and doctors bills. It’s just too painful all of it to handle especially being this young it sucks feeling like this is it. I don’t know what to do anymore i don’t want to go on with my life feeling like this and being in a slump and not meeting anyone new and not doing anything. I just really can’t handle it anymore. And i do not want to see a specialist. Help?