i haven’t cut for a while. My scars were healing and almost gone. I told another friend last night about my feelings. Second person I’ve told, And hopefully the last. Same thing, she said not to do it and I should talk to my parents and everyone loves me and would miss me blah blah blah.
I cut again last night.
Spent the entire night crying, woke up with my eyes swollen and sore. This is why I can’t tell people, im just gunna hear the same thing over and over again and have to act like theyre getting through to me when they really aren’t getting past the surface.
Maybe If they’ve spent every waking minute wishing they were someone else, spending every sleepless night thinking how much better the world would be without them and have been in so much pain physical and mental that they feel like throwing up, maybe then they would understand and I could take them seriously when they call me selfish and say that people love me and I’m meant to be here.
I am very stubborn and it’s near impossible for anyone to change my mind When im set on something. I’m still waiting for my saving grace but im starting to accept that maybe I’m not meant to be saved.
I haven’t made a big enough impact on anyone’s life for me to worry about ruining anyone. I’ve always wanted to standout, to be something different and not just another girl in the crowd. Maybe being known as the girl who committed suicide will give me some hope in that people will remember.
I’m just sick of feelin alone in a room full of people. I’m just a girl who wants to make a difference in just one persons life.
4 comments
That is so much like me I’m scared… I told two people and it was the biggest mistake of my life.
I feel like its not important for me to be here because I haven’t really made an impact on anyone’s life too <3
Its hard to explain it to someone who doesn't cut but if you have been through it and are still going through I find it easiest to talk to someone like that.
I find it aggravating when someone who never has went through something like this tells you that you have to stop and what your doing is wrong. How could something so right be wrong?
You will make a difference.
One day you may be the person who really listens to others problems and helps them.
One day you may become a Mentor to others, helping them.
But maybe now you just need someone to listen to you?
Someone to Mentor you.
Peace
To be honest, even though I completely understand you (about the people around me that keep saying how much they love me and care for me and that it just doesn’t get past the surface) I am slightly confused.
What would you want them to say? What can anyone say to a person that tells them he is so depressed, so lonely and in such a horrible state that he wishes to kill himself? (Referred to a person as a “he” but it obviously fits for a “she” as well)
There is no right answer to that. All they feel is this need to try and help, to try and get through and make you understand that you mean the world to them and that they just want you to stay here, in this world.
Of course it makes everyone answer the same way. They aren’t used to think about those things, such as death, suicide, cutting yourself etc. They can’t possibly understand that this is ALL we have been going through for the past week / month / year / lifetime… To them it’s something new and overwhelming, and so, they panic. They try to say everything that you could possibly want to hear in order to make you feel better… Little do they know that no matter what they say, you won’t feel different. Little do they know that this depression has taken a hold of you that nothing can break.
You wrote “I haven’t made a big enough impact on anyone’s life for me to worry about ruining anyone”… This is by far the biggest mistake anyone who is depressed, can make. You do matter to people, even if they don’t show it. Heck, right now I will remember you forever as the girl I spoke to over the internet and as the girl I desperately tried to help by writing something from deep within me, something that I don’t often show.
Everyone around you will be affected by your death greatly. You will ruin and devastate all those around you, some even beyond “repair”. All those people will feel like that because you are a part of their life and they will wonder for the rest of their lives that if only they would have been slightly nicer… everything would be different.
Even though you feel lonely sad and depressed… You must try to remember that you aren’t like that, not truly anyway.
I know how hard it is to do that though… I’ve been crying entire nights alone on my bed and during these nights all I could think about was how should I kill myself when and where…I’ve suffered a lot, I suffered pain that not many people can understand and to be honest pain that I can’t entirely describe.
I wrote a poem a long time ago about just that:
Looking to the future trying to believe,
there is a reason to live.
Struggling to grasp the happiness in life,
when all I feel is the emptiness inside.
Searching for answers late at night,
hoping that my help will be at sight.
The same way as others didn’t know what to say to you in order to make you feel better, even just by a bit, neither do I.
However, I do hope that by sharing a little bit of my situation I got through to you, even if it was just for a split second… I really do hope you will feel slightly better.
I will gladly talk to you further if you’d like.
Oak
Talking to people if you’re just going to cut yourself anyway is kind of rude and selfish. You get the attention and the satisfaction of hearing people say they care about you and that you need to talk to family or friends when you start feeling bad, and then at the end of the day you disregard the fact that these people care about you and just start cutting again. What’s more important in life, people who care about you or your little razor blade? Cutting is silly and dramatic. Committing suicide is a pretty lame way to try to stand out. Why not stand out by being the girl who pulled herself back from the brink of suicide and made something of her life? That’s worth noticing.