I’m Hannah. It’s my first time on this website, or any suicide forum for that matter. I found this website researching certain things about suicide. I’ve made several suicide attempts for over a year now, and I’m dead set on succeeding  it this month. I don’t see a reason for living anymore. I’m useless. I’m so depressed that I don’t have the motivation to get out of bed, or eat, or speak, or even open my fucking eyes in the morning. It just all so pointless. The hurting, and suffering, and hoping. I grew up with an alcohol dependent, abusive, work obsessed father, a narcissistic, jealous, hateful sister- and a mum that I could never be good enough for. I’m so tired of having all this anger, and sadness, and longing to be happy built up inside of me. And, being completely and utterly alone doesn’t really help anything. I’ve fucked up so bad in my life. I smoke, I drink, I try as hard as I can to overdose on pills, yet nothing seems to take away this sadness. Nothing. I feel that the only way I can be happy is when I’m dead. I have no way out accept suicide. I’m useless, and I always will be. I made all these plans for college.. I was gonna go to Masters Performing Arts college in Rayleigh, England. Now I fear that my entire life has gone even more to shit, and I don’t think I’m going to make it to fall.  I don’t know how in the hell to cope anymore. It’s sad.. the way people look at you differently once they know what you’re going through. They see you as this fragile person who if you push even a little will end up breaking. But, yes, I’m to my breaking point. I am completely and absolutely done.
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Of course alcohol doesn’t help with the sadness, alcohol is a depressant, it slows you down and makes you feel crappier. Besides, don’t go around blaming your father for being “alcohol dependent”, and then choose to use the exact same coping mechanism. Be better than that. Smoking is awful for you, I just quit recently and I feel better just being able to breathe. Happiness does not come easily. You say “I smoke, I drink, I try to OD on pills, nothing takes away the sadness”. That doesn’t make any sense lol. Why would all these horrible habits make you feel better? Start exercising, get out in nature, find a new hobby, take better care of yourself. There’s no reason you can’t follow through with your plans to go to school. Sorry you grew up with a family you didn’t like but that’s in the past now, you are in control of your future and if you don’t work harder to make something of it, the only person you can really be mad at is yourself. Put on some music, make some plans about your life and get excited again. All this effort you’ve put into suicide attempts and drinking and smoking could be put to better use. And generally when people say they’ve attempted multiple times and survived that they’d probably didn’t really want to die. You say everything is pointless, well yes, what’s the point of smoking and drinking until some day you decide to attempt again, probably survive it, keep on smoking and drinking, repeating the same pattern. You can choose to do something different. Doesn’t have to be anything huge. Going for a walk instead of sitting around drinking is already making a better choice.
I’m not alcohol dependent, yes smoke is awful for me that is the point. I’ll try some of these things, but every time I have before it’s all gone right back to shit. Thanks, though. xx
Hi Hannah <3
I am so glad that i came across your post. I can see that you are hurting so painfully bad right now. I can see that you feel worthless but just by reading your post i can tell that you are really articulate. You also mentioned that you are going to art school in the fall that is so amazing!! Hannah, people who are pathetic and useless don't go to college especially a college where creativity and imagination are heavily involved. I would suggest that you focus more on your craft and break your addictions. Addictions only aid in depression and the two thrive of each other. Also Hannah do you know the LORD? this might be hard to believe but the feelings of despair and complete sadness are not coming from you? It's outside entities that are telling you that you are worthless and to end your life. They will keep telling you that over and over until you satisfy their nature which is complete destruction and you eventually ending your life. Ask God to hold you close. Repent of your sins and come to the Lord Jesus Christ. He is the only one that can ease your pain. Please remember that negative self think is not coming from your own mind. It's a spirit telling you these things. Don't believe them put your amour of God on. Best of luck in school and i wish you nothing but a long happy life filled with wonderful memories. I don't know you but i love you.
Yes, I do know the Lord. I’m a Christian, but nothing at all seems to be helping lately. No matter how much I pray, everything goes down hill.
Hi Hannah,
I just found this website today, interested to see how other people cope with things I have struggled with many times myself. I registered just now cause I was moved by your post. I know there’s probably nothing I can say to help you feel better, but I guess I wanted you to know that there is someone somewhere who is thinking about you and who cares. I come from an abusive childhood as well. Few people, apart from those who have gone through it, are able to understand how horifically damaging it is. Please know that it is the useless, broken, nothings of the world who are truly beautiful.
thanks so much love. xx
why would you want to go to performing arts? jobs that have to do with nuclear power is where all the money is
hi again,
I just wanted to add that if you ever would like someone to talk to, please feel free to email me (cecelia_83@live.com)
Hannah
Cast out the demons of depression and suicide in Jesus’ name. Believe in it with all your heart and soul and the Lord will protect you trust him.
@Nbarerules18 It’s what I’ve done all my life, it makes me a bit happier xx
@Nobi230 please bugger off, yeah? I’m not here to be preached at, but thanks anyways love xx