The idea of killing myself is becoming more and more frequent, the plans, the ideas, the notes.. I have written so many of them.
If only she could see that I am suffering without her.. That I am lost, hopeless.. alone. Life seems so meaningless, so insignificant. My mind has sunk deep into an abyss of sadness and sorrow. I don’t know how much more I can take.
She was my world. Yet she left me.. Left me with no explanation. As time passed I worked it out. She left me for someone else. Someone I have know since I was a kid, initially I was in shock. Now I’m in agony. 7 months on and I can’t shake her out of my head. I love her do dearly.. But she doesn’t see nor does she care. She smiles when we meet up.. Shes so happy. So much better without me, she feels no guilt. No shame. No remorse for her actions. Does as have a conscious?
I don’t know. I can’t go on. My veins have bled a lot over the past few months. I now bear the scars as a reminder. Whatever I try just doesnt seem to work. Couselling and pills have made me lifeless even more so than usual. My options are limited. I just can’t take it anymore. Deaths warm embrace is on the horizon. Any ideas, thoughts, advice is greatly appreciated.
Empty_Soul.
6 comments
I don’t envy your pain but I do envy the fact that you felt something for someone. I have never even liked anyone and I’m 25. I’m too empty for things like that… I wish I wasn’t. I can’t imagine how hurt you are… Like I said I’ve never been in your shoes but the fact that you felt something that sincere is a beautiful thing. I hope that you heal and that you find someone to love (and that will love you in return). Best of luck to you.
I can completely relate to what your saying. I’m 22. I have been where you are. The problem was I shoved th emptiness aside and dropped my guard. This person then took advantage of that. So in reality I allowed myself to open up and allow someone into my life only to have them cave in all 4 walls around me. I feel worse now than I did before. And this is not the first time.. But it is by far the worst. I’d like to hope that I can heal but for the time being I think I need to feel the way I do for a while. I do hope that you meet someone mate. I really truly can understand what it’s like in your shoes. If you ever would like to talk please feel free to.
That’s what scares me, you let someone in and they hurt you. I’ve been abused for my entire childhood and then when I trusted the people around me to help me they ignored me, called me a liar. Since then it’s only been me… It gets lonely but I know it’s safe when it’s just me. You’re braver than I am. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to let someone in. I’m sorry you got hurt… It would be nice to hear about someone who found love or happiness and wasn’t eventually injured by it in the end.
I read your post that touched on that topic, I too was abused by the people who were closed to me as a child. I never had a father, and my stepfather physically.. Mentally.. And emotionally abused me. I know what it’s like. It would be nice to hear of someone who is happy within a relationship, and not writhing in agony and sorrow. I too have been called a liar for the statements I made. I was abused for over 10 years. Even my own mother didn’t believe me.
It’s a foreign concept for me to hear of someone who has had a similar experience. I’m glad to know that I’m not alone in this suffering, fucked up world. I believe in time you will find someone who you won’t be afraid to let in. Believe me I felt the same before I met her… I was too afraid of being hurt because it’s all I knew.
Part of me regrets meeting her, part doesn’t. But now I feel cold, isolated and all in all really depressed. Trust is a funny thing. It can set you free or get you killed, or it can bring you security or your undoing. You seem much like myself dude. Don’t lose hope. 🙂
🙂 Yeah, sounds like we have a lot in common… it’s strange. For some reason I honestly thought I was alone until I found this site today.
I’ll try not to lose hope but I’m sure you understand how hard it is.
I totally get what you mean about part of you regretting the fact that you met her and part of you not. When I met my best friend I was so happy. He was the only person that I ever trusted. He made me a better person because he was such a good person. When he killed himself I just went blank. It sort of feels like being the only white wall in a room filled with color. You know?
By the way, if you ever need to talk don’t hesitate to do so. Stay strong.
The feeling when you first realize that your not alone is one you won’t tend to forget. It does bring that small glimmer of hope. I am sorry to hear that your best friend killed themself. I too know the pain that’s associated with the loss. Your right on what your saying about being a white wall in a room full of colors. I’m glad that you understand me, for a longtime ive searched for someone who can relate. The same goes with you, if you ever need to talk feel free to fling me an email. Stay strong. 🙂