Unbearable Life

The start of my first “rant”,
Hm I’m not to good at typing things up about my problems but I’m even worse at trying to talk about them, so here this goes!
First off I just wanted to say please do not judge me or think of me as a horrible person for these disgusting facts I will probably type out,
Appreciated.

Well, for most of my life it’s been pretty hard on my family (mum & dad) especially after my sister was born it just got harder, it’s seemed like they have always struggled with money really bad.
My dad used to work away up in the mines of the WA pilbra, as a cleaner. He quit that job after my uncle got him a job at a company that’s just moved over here from Sydney as a storeman/salesman, so he’s always home, which is good but him and i don’t get along. Stubborn people never get along with eachother in my books so the house is all kinds of messed up and angry vibes.
My mum is a beauty therapist, she only got into it when my sister and I were grade 4-5, and I’m 19 now so it wasn’t that long ago at all, before that I’m guessing she was a stay at home mum? I don’t remember much of that.
Anyway, she decided or was forced to go onto a cruise with one of her friends and that lady’s friends to the phillipines, it was about 5k I think, I’m not sure, that was with airfares to QLD and the boating costs, anyway, she got back a week after mothers day and hated it, she’s always need up being a lone traveler she thinks.
Well she came back and obviously she didnt have a wage so dad had to pay the house bills all in his own and even together they barely have enough to cover the bills… So there was hardly any food in the house or anything. Of course fights happen in this situation. Now she’s not getting anywhere near as much shifts as she used to be getting so were still poor. My job has taken most of my hours away and given them to other staff, so from 28 hrs I’ve got 10. I get my license in one month and I need to get my dogs needles.

Lately I’ve been feeling really upset with all of this. I’ve discovered ectasy, I’m a bit disapointed in myself, but I’m not a person to regret.
I’m supposed to go to tafe next term to study a cert 2 in business but it’s 660$ on enrollment day and $1000 by the end of the year.
I only get $16 an hour with 10 shifts a week. I can’t cope and I can’t get government assistance.
I’ve been thinking about death for a long long time, earliest memories was when I was grade 3, I think I was 8-9, I just don’t think I’ve had a childhood, everything was always so dramatic, my family think I’m possessed because I’ve turned into a girl hard to talk to, I show very little emotion on the outside unless it’s anger, I’ve never been affectionate even though I was brought up in a loving environment, I used to push people away as soon as I could control my body apparantly.

I’ve also been on and off with my long term boyfriend for 4 years, I love him it’s just so hard because I have so many secrets.
I’ve been around quite a lot, and of course people talk, so I’m rexonised at a “s*ut”
Yet I’ve been forced into a lot of things because I am a very vulnerable person, I feel that my kindness is taken for flirting yet it is not intentional.
I do put myself in those situations but Im not regretting the things I’ve done.
I’m just very over everyone here, I want to get away, suicide is something that crosses my mind daily and when i do think about it I get this numb feeling in my chest and I go all cold.
Ive offten thought to save atleast 5k up for my funeral just to help them out with the struggle.

I’m just over everything, it’s all so pointless. I’m not getting anywhere at all.
I am a failure and I do know this.