I’m a monster. I destroy everything I touch. I’m a freak.
These are the thoughts that have plagued my mind for the past two years. It all started when I lost my best friend in 9th grade. After she joined band, we got into different social groups. I always had issues with making new friends, so I became her “stalker”. She began to distance herself from me, and I began to threaten to cut myself to get her to talk to me. At first the threats weren’t serious, but threats always turn into promises. When the cuts eventually lost its effectiveness, I began making suicidal threats. All the stupid plots (which she eventually realized weren’t legit) destroyed our friendship. The last message I got from her called me a freak. Even though we began talking 7 months later, those words “your a freak!” still haunt me to this day.
After losing that friend, I began seriously considering suicide. Most of my friends were distancing themselves too, and one even sent a suicidal Facebook message I had sent them to a school counselor. The counselor contacted my mom, but when my mom got home from work that day, I pretended it was all a misunderstanding and we moved on. Except for the school counselor, I haven’t been in a psychiatrist’s office since I was eleven years old to discuss moving to a new house. My family always avoids any serious topic.
Around this time, I swore to never be the reason for losing a friend again. I spent the rest of 9th grade thinking that I was turning my life around. I made a new best friend that tried getting me to go to her church. I wasn’t too religious until I met her, but for a short time I was spending most of my time with this new friend at her church. I made it through scoliosis surgery and semi-patched things up with my ex-best friend that summer. Things really seemed to be getting better, until 10th grade started.
In 10th grade, the world seemed to slowly fall apart. That new friend I had made began to grow tired of me getting these new, short bits of depression. It seemed to get worse over time, and I began to feel like there was a monster inside me, slowly destroying me. The fighting got bad, and I began to threaten cutting again. This time, I was serious. I would even go as far as getting the supplies for different suicides out, then realize I couldn’t do it. My excuse still is that if I had a gun, I would do it. I’m not 100% sure if I could handle it, but that is for a later post.
During that year, my little sister went from a sweet, little, Disney-loving kid to an 8th grade slut-dressing, makeup-wearing prep. Every time that I tried to give her advice, I literally felt Tyler Perry was in my house. I never tried to make her something she’s not, but I worry so much about her. She thinks she is a little gangster, and I’m just that lonely loser in the next room over. Even as I sit here now, she is in her room blasting Nikki Minaj with her best friends. She told me once that she will be happy when I’m gone.
These sentences in this paragraph are words I’ve never written out loud, so bear with me if my grammar is a little off. In the rare moments when I am not fighting with my friend, I have begun to have strange thoughts about her. When she changes clothes, I can’t help but look at her. I have had many dreams about having sex with her. I think I may be bi. When I was little, I always played the dad when I played house with my friends. Although I was never into sports or playing rough, I loved video games. I can remember one time as a child actually asking to be a boy, only to be met with laughter. As a 12 year old, I looked up a little female porn out of “curiosity”. I think I may have been attracted to my ex-best friend without realizing it. None of this crossed my mind until a few months ago. Now, when I am around this friend, if we aren’t in a fight, I always accidentally touch her, I can’t keep my hands to myself! The problem is, I am becoming a more serious Christian, but I feel like I ought to choose between church and acting on these feelings, which may only be thoughts in my head. Can anyone help me with this?
I want to get help for my deppression, as I have diagnosed myself with some form of (yay Google!). I feel like I am losing my friends and family, and I am at a loss for what to do about it. I am almost always at home in my room alone, and I cut when I get in a bad fight with my friend. There is a monster inside of me, and if anyone has any suggestions as to what is wrong with me or how to fix it, please let me know? Thanks for reading my rant, I hope somebody cares enough to listen!