Wanna know THE answer to your problem?

If you don’t take away anything else by the time you finish reading this entry, then I hope you at least will take away this one thought that could perhaps be the greatest revelation in your life which you don’t even know about yet; and it’s this…………………………

YOU. MATTER.

Your problems matter. And someone out there does love you even when you think you’ve been rejected, hit rock bottom, and can no longer find comfort in living.

…Hey, been there. Done that. I have the scars on the inside and out to prove it….and no, I don’t care for a repeat either because as much as it lingers in my mind and dares to haunt me in my moments of weakness and vulnerability; I’ve realized that it does not define me and I will NOT be a victim of the past circumstances that I had to suffer merely because I couldn’t see past the impossibilities of my pain in those moments where physically cutting myself actually made me feel better from the emotional pain that felt so unbearable in comparison.

My friend in high school killed herself before graduating her senior year…..she tied a shoe string around her neck and the other end around the door handle to her room, drank herself unconscious, leaned forward and eventually died of suffocation from strangulation. She left a note on her bed to her parents; one that sounds a lot like some of the entries I’ve read from this site..

I don’t think a lot of people think enough about what happens after they die. There is nothing more after death. That’s it, that’s the end. There’s no waking up the next morning or pressing the reset button once we make the decision to give up.

You know, I’ll never know why she killed herself to be honest. She was beautiful, popular, sweet, and yet, she became another statistic in the end…… and no one ever saw it coming. Guess it just proves that you don’t have to be a “reject” by society or your peers to qualify for someone who is also hurting within. But more importantly, I think it highlights the fact that she truly thought no one cared for her when in reality, it couldn’t have been further from the truth. Then again, I thought the same thing when I was going through severe depression – except I now realize how wrong I actually would’ve been if I went down that same path back then instead of knowing what I know now…

I guess that’s why they say that hindsight is 20/20 because I know back then I was actually JEALOUS of what she did; deep down I was wishing that I had the guts to do the same thing and end my own life like I so desperately wanted to – it was my own desperate plea for help too. Though I’ll never know what it really was that held me back from making that final cut or taking that extra pill to finally “solve” my problems like she thought they would for her. Maybe it was fear, maybe it was a desperate attempt to believe that hope existed in the form of “something better” out there…..or maybe I just wanted someone to finally acknowledge me and say, ” Hey…..I see the pain you go through that no one else even knows about. I see the nights you spend alone in the dark crying out for someone to even acknowledge you. I see those moments when you’re desperate for even a, “How are you doing?” as everyone else around you blindly talks with each other and ignores your very existence “. Oh, how I longed for someone to say that they saw my pain…but more importantly than that; what I DESPERATELY wanted for someone was to acknowledge this: that my pain mattered to them.

I’d like to share with you a quick story about a man who had a his daughter that was 6 at the time and was playing on her tricycle in the park. And as all cycling stories go, eventually she had a crash and burn episode where she was flung off her bike and suffered bruises and cuts all over as she hit the pavement. His daughter, bruised and bloodied, came screeeeaaaaaming all the way to daddy and as he scooped her up in his arms and began to kiss her “booboos” all over, he told her that she had a pretty rough day and asked if she wanted to come inside early because of the fall. To his surprise she replied; all bruised up and sniffling from crying, ” Dad, I want go back and play a little more…. “.

The point of the story is this: her Dad didn’t make the actual pain of her crash and burn episode go away nor did his kisses magically heal the pain she felt suffered from those wounds. But his daughter wasn’t running to her dad for him to “fix” her wounds – no, she was running to her dad for something MUCH more important – she wanted to know if her pain and her suffering really mattered to him or not.

I think that’s what we all long for…and you know what…sometimes that’s the hardest thing to find in a world of disappointments, lies, and hurt. But even though all of that exists…..there also exists joy, hope, love, and restoration IF we don’t give up on ourselves…

But it’s not about enduring the pain on our own; in fact, we can’t do it alone nor should we ever think it’s possible to overcome this pain by ourselves either. The problem I find is that we live in a society where we’ve created false expectations of one another. I learned the reality of this lesson the hard way: no matter who you find in this world that you think may have the answers to your problems, they WILL let you down at some point or another in your life….

I’m not saying to give your hopes up altogether…but I am saying to be real and understand that no one is perfect in this world ( except God of course ).

Guess it’s not exactly the easiest thing to do take “God’s” word on it when you’re in the middle of suffering and depression eh? Ohhh believe me, I’d know. ESPECIALLY seeing as to how I grew up in a Christian lifestyle that was NOT very “Christian” at all and to make matters worse, I grew up wonder why in the heck I began to develop feelings for the same sex and you bet I blamed God for making me gay and condemning me to hell when I didn’t even have a choice in the matter! ( That’s a wholeeeeee nother story but it’s safe to say that me and God are on the best terms ever in my life and boy, what a COMPLETE 180 my life has been from 3 years ago.. ).

Before I turn this into a novel…I really just wanted to write this letter to you out there who feel like you’re done for and it’s completely hopeless. It’s not, believe me. There is so much more to what you may be going through right now and you know what, I truly wish I had the answers to solve your problems because if I did, I’d tell you in a heartbeat………heck, I wish I had the answers to solve my own I still face so that I could get over the pain I still deal with in my present struggles..

But there’s one thing I realize now about my friend who did go through with suicide unlike me and killed herself 9 years ago to this very month. I really believe that if she was still alive today, perhaps she’d be the one writing this letter instead of me who is now writing it in her place. I realize that if I killed myself 9 years ago like she did, I’d lose the opportunity to share my story of faith and victory that has changed so many others around me now and more importantly, I wouldn’t have the clarity I do now to realize and share with you that there IS  a reason for hope which exists for you and there IS more that lies beyond your own understanding  for being here even when it makes absolutely no sense to you right now whatsoever. There is a purpose for you being here.

Don’t. give. up.

I’ve lost everything at one point or another in my life; my life partner, my entire financial savings, my job, my friends, even my relationship with my family….but the one thing I’ve never lost was my ability to hope against all odds…because even when I had nothing left, I found fellowship with God in a way that confirmed the one thing I wanted the most – to know that my struggles at least mattered to SOMEONE in my life. It didn’t make all the things I’ve suffered through necessarily go away…but it did give me comfort and a realization that I have a purpose and a reason to live on while I still have the choice to do so.

God has put me in a new family with people who love me and despite their own flaws and let-downs I’ve experienced with them…I realized that no one in this world is perfect and we’re ALL a continual work in progress as long as we don’t give up on ourselves in the tough times because like I said, it WILL get better if you truly believe it.

There’s a quote I live by that I am going to share with you all before I end this…. and I hope it will inspire those of you who read this and maybe it’ll encourage you to keep pushing onwards even when you don’t want to…

It says, ” Giving up in life is the EASIEST thing to do, anyone can do it….but to hold it all together when everyone else around you would understand if you failed….now that’s true strength “.

True strength comes from within and as long as you’re fighting this battle within, I pray you will cherish your life and understand its true importance which is SO precious and beyond valuable. Don’t try and fight this alone forever…but tell yourself that every day is another opportunity to change your life and that it WILL get better if you believe it..

My friend who killed herself will never get to hear what her Mother wanted to tell her as she was standing over her coffin and looking down at her beautiful daughter who was once so full of life and joy. That’s the most heartbreaking thing about suicide….the only person who really suffers in the end isn’t you, it is everyone else who carries the burden of a loved one they lost because that loved one never knew how much they really mattered and those who truly loved them will never get another chance to tell them either..

You know…..the tragedy of life isn’t a person who eventually dies. I think the real tragedy of life is the person who never truly lived on the inside while they were alive.

I hope you choose life in the end….because I want you to know that no matter how bleak or worthless you may feel your life is to you, it is ANYTHING but worthless and you are truly more valuable than you’ll ever know. And if no one has told that to you lately, then I want you to know that this letter was written especially for YOU.

Stay encouraged…and above all else, don’t give up.. it will get better, it may not be tomorrow, it may not be next week, or even next month…but it will get better if you believe and continue to hope. That I can promise you..