What do I feel like dying inside

Why is it that when anything bad happens to me the first thought that comes to my head is killing myself. No matter what I do I feel useless and in the way. Or that I’m putting some weight on someone to help me. I just want to close the door to that past, but everytime I try to do that I end up cutting off from everyone in my life. I don’t know if I do it so if I break down they don’t see what I’m going through and try to help me. Which in turn would cause me to open that door to expail why I’m breaking down. I keep thinking about cutting and then just keep doing it till I feel so numb that nothing in my past would even matter. I would just have to deal with keeping that door shut. So cutting just seems to be my anwser that would be easiest. Why are all the eastiest ways the ones that cause the more problems with others in my life? I just want to feel better.