I’m listening to a song as I work on my project. I do 3D modelling for personal release even if it isn’t comeplete. I’ve been working on an eye since eyes are another thing I’ve drawn well that hasn’t stopped. Eyes see everything even what they brain doesn’t process. Pain, happniess, sadness, weakness, strength joy, it see the world and what you see is reflected in them when the camera captures you in a freeze.
My eyes see the blurr frm tears that won’t fall. I’m still doing anything to distract myself because I have no real hope anymore. Just a passive motion. I’m so sad inside. Even if I smile and even if I laugh. Sadness is still relaxing inside me. I refuse to feed it, but it finds it’s way to the kitchen anyway.
I signed back up on facebook so I can keep up with my two closest friends. I missed seeing their smiles. I still chat with them, but I hadn’t visited in a few months. Not with this curshing feeling inside of my soul. I don’t like the way facebook changed. Showing you people you might know. It brings me pain.
They say when you want to move on you m ust endure the pain of now. It’s greater than before. Facebook was a window I closeod, but I decided I needed to open it to get fresh air again. And in opening it I saw the one person I had a crush on during high school. I remember the rejection, my heart does and I stupidly made it worse after she did.
I grew up from then. I’m now a shadow behind the strong, the wind behind those who fly, the gust that carries the seeds. That’s really all I ever was. I don’t handle the light well. It burns, and blinds me. I act stupid. The darkness. It cradles and keeps my mind controlled as I move through my motions. It fuels my darkest and most true to self art. To smile would mean to lose that of which is me and defines me as such.
This must be what I meant as a kid wanting to grow up and be a starving artist. Starved of love, starved of hope. All for the sad sake of art. Art that does bring satisfaction. That gives everyone the perspective I see. Forced? No. Your perspective will still be different. And I won’t get mad.
I keep feeling that burn and ache as my eyes want to cry. I’m letting them know it’s ok. But they seem to hesitate. Maybe I’m finally changing. Maybe I’m finally broken. I won’t know. Not now anyway.
“It’s too late to turn back now. I believe I believe I believe I believe I’m falling in love” The melody from this song has me trapped. So trapped my creativty is bursting from the seams. I guess this is my sacrifice for the sake of art. The melodic punishment, the lyrical reminder, the heartfelt expression in song. This one. If I must cry, if I must hurt, if I must ache down to my soul. Then let me do so. Because it’s all I ever knew and it’s the only thing I’m sure of.