it’s been along time since i came on here. I have many reasons why i didn’t come back here for a while. one of them was because on march 7th, just in time something happened. And after that alot more things happened that made that moment- not so unique anymore. for anyone that’s read my posts before, this one is nothing new- still me typing probably not making any sense i just write as i think i guess.
Im stupid in love, not with him, with the idea of what life should be. I expected it to be a certain way by now, and i expect it to be a certain way in the distant future. but all in all i realize every morning and every night before i close my eyes that thats just me stupid in love with the idea. but reality is relative. Ive tried to hold on. 4 extra months thinking it would be better. i know things dont happen over night. but things shouldnt be worse. you love to make me look like a fool. i keep reading that line. i cant stop reading it. I`ll never have that any longer. I`ll always have to settle for last, I`ll always have to wait, I`ll always have to be pushed over. I dont get to display my talents and qualities, f-that- it`s always about if i can do that one thing. and if i cant- well on to the next. i`ll never be able to rest. i`ll never be at peace. i`ll always be chasing. I`ll always be trying. This summer was suppose to be completely different. every chance we have to step up- you never do and im left alone. everything is my fault. im the failure im the loser. im the joke right. thats what you say when your mad i dont care about what you say when ur happy.
you dont get it. you never will even after im gone. this last time took alot out of me baba. i tried really hard to make this happen. but i just couldnt.
On this blog-we all think secretly inside-what if. what if i dont pull up that hoodie, what if i dont drink that what if i dont pop that. maybe it would be nice, maybe things will change the way its suppose to. And what if it doesnt…then im stuck chasing and chasing and never grasping. I`ll never be happy. its too much of a painful emotion for me. I just want to get plans going again for this, do it and quietly fade away. you might mourn for a while, but eventually i`ll just be a memory, not a moment. Allah knows Ive tried hard this time. I really put my own happiness aside thinking this will make me happy in the end. itll all work out in the end. but it doesnt. days turn into months which turn into years. you have nothing to loose when you;ve given up everything. did i know that would be my last night- did i know that would be the end…i might have done things different. this time will be different. i wont be out there with it. i wont be vocal with it. I`ll be quiet, discreet. I`ll let you all win and get what you want. if i get what i want only 1 person is happy. if i give you what you want…alot more ppl will be happy in the end. If i can leave anything with anyone, it`s this:
never trust, never love, never devote and never dedicate. relationships lead to dependency and dependency leads to disappointment.