My sadness is turning into anger, I know that the lack of food is contributing to my irritation but I can’t help to feel abandoned. Out of all the people that said they love me why has no one called? My parents don’t know about my decision to stop eating and keep pressuring me by shoving food in my face and eating my favorite things in front of me I even tossed a slice of pizza out the window and tell them I was eating just to get them to stop, every smell is powerful and temptation is painful. I know they only do it because they love me. I just want to stop feeling this way, I want the pain in my stomach to put me to sleep so I wont have to wait endlessly for someone close to tell me they love me. Only a couple of days and I’ll begin to lose my mind as I die.
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Hi Gimixi. I have to say I’m very concerned about you. What worries me most is not the lack of food but if you really are not drinking either. It’s actually a very difficult path you’ve chosen. I’ve fasted for weeks at a time myself in the past (not with dying in mind), going without food for a week certainly won’t kill you, but deliberately dehydrating yourself is another thing, you could end up with some kind of organ damage, I don’t know.
And if you really do ‘lose your mind’ you may not know what you are doing in any case and start drinking…of all ways to try and off yourself Gimixi, this is actually a slow and painful one and though your willpower is obviously good it may just not be enough…the body’s will to live is so strong.
Another thing strikes me about your post here. You seem to want proof that someone cares about you enough to try and stop you or whatever. There’s an element of testing your loved ones and people around you, maybe because you fear or believe that they just don’t care.
They are probably sublimely unaware and ignorant of what you are trying to do and even the feelings that have caused you to go down this route. It’s not really fair to them to test them in this way Gimixi. Imagine how they would feel if you were ‘successful’ with your plan. The guilt would be appalling.
But your motives and your thinking do seem to me a bit confused if you are looking for someone to show concern or care for you. Maybe even, you actually want to be saved?
I don’t want to offend or annoy you and I hope I’m not too wide of the mark, but I want to help if at all possible. Love, Zoe X
You have not offended or annoyed me by your comment, I appreciate your words very much. Its not that I’m looking for someone to save me, I know that the only person who can save me from this painful mindset is myself. I know that my parents care about me enough to save me from myself at any drastic measure. I’m not trying to test their love, I can see it with my own eyes. This is the most difficult part of doing what I’m doing, I’m forced to smile at them and tell them I love them all without them knowing how close to death I am. Even though I’ve decided on what I want to do, I still have that longing for someone to ask me if I’m okay just so that I know that I passed knowing someone was out there thinking about me. You have me thinking, Zoe.
@ Gimixi, I’m sorry I’m receiving emails but having trouble sending emails out.
If anyone comes to this post curious about her, I will say that she was keeping in touch with me by email. I did not know if I suppose to feel as if i failed her but i was a ear for her words because it was all i could be. I’m not sure she’s alive or in hospital ill because she lived with others and i felt they would catch her at a weaken state and take her in….. I could only wonder if she really is gone…free, she made it about 7 days before i got her last message this title not correct if on the 11th was her 3rd day not eating.
I won’t forgot her or anyone here at suicide Project.
I had thought about Gimixi yesterday. I was wondering if she’d been, for want of a better word, successful at what she set out to do. If so, I hope she is at peace now. :'(
I thought I wrote update here but since someone asked I’ll leave one now. Gimixi survived this attempt and we kept in touch but only for a month. Where she is now I have no clue, but I wish her happiness where ever she is.
i found gimixi’s original post, “starving, but living”, while doing personal research on that exact method of suicide. i searched for her other posts, read them, and all the comments, and have to say…thank you gimixi. thank you so much for documenting your experience. you answered so many questions for me, questions i didn’t even know i had. most of them weren’t even questions concerning that particular method of suicide. the decisions you made, comparisons you gave, thoughts you had…they all helped me so much in understanding my own struggles. thank you again, i hope you are well.