Despite it All

Despite the positivy i spread, dispite the smile i’m wearing when i leave home, or talk to a friend. Despite my constantly moving forward. Despite the bits of myself I share, the structure and advice i used to give. Despite living through unbeatable odds. Despite it al;l I still would like to die. I do not want to see the pain or happiness of tomorrow, I do not want to see the dog that chases it’s tail, the man that holds the door for his wife, the old couple struggling to walk into a store for food. I do not want to see another smiling baby or a screaming child. I do no want to hear the swoon of lovers, the disdain of mates, the death of another stock market. I do not want to hear about the newest car that came out or the latest fashion buzz, the latest new song or the latest ope for love. I do not want to keep questioning if i even exist to type this to people, to cry when im sad, to be huanted by past memories or worries of the future and the hell of the present moment. I no longer want to smell that delicious bacon that is in the pan or the disgusting taste of pan scrambled eggs. I do not want to taste a near heart attack or to taste the good healthy taste my body wants. I dont’; want to keep having hope or to keep being so strong and so brave. I do not want to wait till it gets better or even continue pretending it gets batter if i work at it. I do not want to go to my doctor again. The pretty one, or see a new counseller and tell her myp problems from pont A to B ALL over agin. I dod not want to know why my hearta cts funny anymore, or why my hip hrts and causes me to stoop like an old man from a hard days yard and housework. I do not want to listen to my hearing getting worse or t9o wintess it improve. I don not want t o wear glasses anymore or to even try to correct them with dangerous lazer surgery or superfictiol contaqcts. I do not want to keep going on anymore. Wether hope is around the corner or weather it is not. I never asked to be on for this ride of life. Thaose damns UPS and doooowms and OVers and unders/ I did not ant to participate in the hauntings or the musings. I know i’ll probably be alive to moreworw. Im too cowardly to kill myself. But i am no use here nymore. I want no oner to be apart of this world. Whetehr it falls or rises i dod not want to honestly be a witness. Is this so wrong? is this so very wrong to want to leave peacefully? To no longer suffer or atch others do the sam,e in my presence. Is it wrong to not want to love to feel pain or to even feel that 10sec joy? Is it wrong to for once be weak enough tgo do waht i have to do? I woant to leave. I want to cease aand really just lay back and go anywhere but here/ ANd if my other world is nothing but the 4th dimention of this one but in a “twilight zone” Then I will no longer know what to do but to wonder around like a lost ghost. I just want to Go. JUst flee peacefully. Swiftly carried in my wonderful dreams because this life will never be better or stay away ffromw orse. It’s not a perfect world and neither am I. So let me fly. Let my spirit drift away in my sleep. It’s done it before and i kept being brought back. What for? Dammit what for?