Disappointment

I’ve put a lot of effort into doing right by the people I’m close to. I have been far from perfect in those efforts. Mostly I’ve failed entirely. I guess the thing is, though, that I’ve tried to mend every mistake I’ve made. I’ve apologized, acknowledged my screw-ups and done my best to avoid future incidents.

In times when I haven’t been the one to screw up, I’ve been too forgiving of people. People who have decided that I am the kind of person who can toyed with, walked all over, and left to wait endlessly for fulfillment. People always let you down. That’s what I’ve learned in the last few years.

My feelings on it now are that whether I am a nice, friendly person who goes out of their way to show that I am attentive, caring and involved or whether I am neglectful, manipulative and mean, I will be rewarded with the same level of disappointment. I have given people years of my life, dedication and love, and what have I gotten from the experience? Another lesson in loss. I get loss. I can’t possibly hope to *not* get loss, not for the rest of my life. If there is one feeling that I will carry from now until the grave, it’s that one. And yes, I know the cliches: It makes you “stronger”, it bolsters you for “the tough road ahead”.

Wonderful. Consider me fully bolstered.

There is a fine line between loss that teaches a valuable lesson, and a string of losses that leave a person jaded. I am now at the latter end of the spectrum, and I am spinning off the chart with wild abandon. I’m fed up. I have worked my ass off to be a worthy friend. I’ve been everything I could for people, not because I was a sycophant, but because I genuinely felt that it was what was right. When I’ve loved, I’ve felt compelled to spend time with and care for those people. It was just the way I did things.

I’ve lost so many friends over such petty bullshit. People who once thought highly of me, now clutching to insane misjudgments of my character. Letting that guide them instead of what I have to honestly say. I’ve lost all resolve to keep trying. There is no reward for this. For a long time I believed that by being friendly and caring, I would warrant the same kind of treatment in return. I thought that by building bridges with people, it had to be a two-way path. It’s not. Friendship is only as fulfilling as I make it. To expect anyone to place me on a list of priorities, well. That’s just ridiculous. I’ll never matter that much to anybody, apparently, and while I don’t expect to matter to everyone, I do feel that when somebody cites me as a “best friend” or claims to “be in love with me”, they’ll make some modicum of an effort to be a part of my life.

Guess not.

I don’t see what the point is in life if I’m such an unattractive person to spend time with. I’m on anti depressants now, and I feel alright mood-wise, but I’m very unhappy with the way things are. The people in my life frustrate and toy with me, they ignore me and they reject me. There are more arguments now than happy moments. There’s more silence than anything else. I used to try being amenable, but now I just fight back. I got tired of wasting the energy it takes to be patient on people who will hurt me one way or the other.

I’m not a crappy person to be around. I’m not the best either, but I know I can be funny, and nice, and a great, true friend if given the chance. I just rarely get that chance anymore. Meeting new people has been very difficult. The more people I lose, the less I want to meet anybody else. I don’t want to make friends that will inevitably turn on me, and that’s all it ever amounts to. I want meaningful relationships. All I have are trials.

I think it’s easier to have an enemy than a friend. Friends disappoint you, enemies are, at least, entertainment.

I’m so tired of trying. If people want to hurt me, then I’ll hurt them back. It’s not like the outcome will be any different than normal.

I don’t like the person I’m becoming. But I can’t keep staving off the way I feel about this. I wish I’d die.