disgusted

what do you do when you can’t take it anymore. You have people willing to help but because they probably tired of hearing it. And what can they do to help? Its not a quick fix. What do I do, when I have a best friend. And shes not a normal best friend, shes like a sister, but more. Someone I love more than anything in the world. Someone Im there for all the time and the only reason im here right now is because I love her to much to let her go. Selfish in a way I guess. But even tho she means the world to me, I can’t talk to her about this. With my goal being to make her happy as possible, why ruin that by telling her how messed up I am? I keep trying to hint at it. I have nightmares and they scare me so much I scratch my arms in my sleep. She saw them, and hardly asked. I keep saying ‘im not ok mentally’ because I want her to ask, but she doesn’t. Im just tired. I’ve had problems with cutting but I can’t get away with it anymore. I find ways to hurt myself all the time because I hate everything about me. My mom said ‘you have to like one thing about yourself’ and guess what she went down the list and I found something wrong with every inch of my body and she didn’t know what to say. I find myself staring at the kitchen knives all the time, I’ve gotten to where I have the blade pressed against my wrist, ready to end it all. But I won’t yet. I guessitll happen eventually, when the time is right I’ll be able to give up and be one less bother to the world.