I had a revelation today.
Wait, can you only call it a revelation if it has to do with religion, because I think after my last incident with a priest I won’t be having any revelations anytime soon. Oh well, point is I had a “light bulb” moment, and not really a bright one.
Pun not intended.
Let me take you back to my formative elementary school years: Here’s Violet Blake. She likes to wear foofy dresses with flowers on them and ribbons in her hair. Violet thought she was going to have so many friends, turns out, she was wrong. WAY WRONG. Instead of having a happy and fun-filled childhood Violet spent her days dealing with the mean girls and boys that chose to sabotage her young life.
Okay, enough of the sob story that sounds like it came out of some cheesy Cinderella-type movie narration. I don’t know if all dorky little girls had this issue of the mean girl posse trying to ruin their lives, but let me tell you that no eleven-year-old should come home every day with tears in her eyes because the back-stabbing brats with money and looks spilled chocolate milk puposefully down her dress at lunch (Oh yes, it happened).
Anyway, when I hit high school I decided to let bygones be bygones and accept the friend request from one of these girls that I’d been mulling over accepting or deleting for days. Granted, it wasn’t the queen bee, Ally Tompkins, herself-if it had been I’d be going straight to hell, revelation or not, for cyberkicking the snot out of her-but it was her second devil in command, Addie Lexington (and yes, they all had stupid, preppy names. Trust me, I wish I was making this up).
I mulled over the computer for hours one night couple weeks ago, nibbling on the ends of my hair. I didn’t know if I should send anything to her. Addie and I had been friends at one point, in the third grade. And I was going to be a College freshman now, I should let the past be the past and start new with her right? If only I could forget what she did in the the third grade when things between us seemed perfect. For a short while I thought I’d found a best friend to talk to and eat lunch with everyday instead of wallowing by myself in the corner of the cafeteria where people throw their unwanted pudding cups and carrot sticks. Unfortunately, all of that ended when she stole my first crush, Collin Harper from me. I know, I was only eight and we weren’t really in love, but I’d liked this kid since kindergarten and it always seemed every time he liked me, things got in the way. All the way up until the sixth grade. But, thats a whole different story.
In reality, I knew I should’ve been over that little incident and every other time her, Ally, and their wanna-be Barbie goons made my life a living hell, but there was some deep grudge inside of me that wanted to chew her out for all the times they sent me home crying, wanting to crawl into a hole and never come out. But, unsurprisingly, I didn’t have to wait long for Addie to send me a message herself. Always the instigator, that one.
At first our conversation consisted of nothing more of small talk and I thought that maybe I really could put elementary school behind me and be Addie’s friend again like I’d really always wanted. Of course-because things could never really be that simple with me- the second she mentioned elementary school all of my feelings from that time came pouring out of me and I layed it all out there on the table, or the internet chat screen.
It seemed like eons before I got a response.
“Did we really do all that mean stuff to you? Oh my gosh, Violet, I’m so sorry! To be honest I don’t really remember any of it but I’m sorry for the hurt we must’ve caused you.”
WHAT? I couldn’t even make my fingers move, my eyes were frozen on the screen, on those words. She couldn’t remember how her friends had come up with new ways to make my life a nightmare every say for six years? Couldn’t remember how they’d trapped Collin in their web of manipulation so he didn’t even want to let people know that he liked me, wouldn’t even talk to me? How did you forget something like that? Was I really that transparent enough that no one even bothered to register my existence in their memory?
I slamed my laptop shut, suppressing the urge to throw it across the room. Although I did manage to break a few keys when shutting it so violently, hence why I haven’t been posting for awhile, had to go out and pay to get the damn thing fixed.
Anywho, I just couldn’t believe that girls so sinister and evil would forget the havoc they wreaked on innocent human lives. You’d think they’d at least keep files or something on this stuff.
Did I really blame them for forgetting though? I mean not everyone could have a memory like me where they remembered every single face and name and had them burned into their mind. And besides, it wasn’t like I’d ever given those girls or guys a reason to remember me, I had never stood up for myself, I had always remained the weak and vulnerable little girl I was right now. In fact, I had probably been so invisible throughout my life, fading into the background, that if I disappeared forever the world wouldn’t even stir.
Well, that was never going to happen again. Ever.
From now on I am going to be the strong, independent woman I know I am underneath this scared and fragile exterior. I am going to stand up for myself, show everyone that I cross paths with that I’m not just a wallflower to be ignored, I exist, I’m here, and I am going to make a mark in this world.
I am Violet Esmerelda Blake.
No one is ever going to forget that.
23 comments
Violet, I love the way you tell a story. Very enthralling. Anyway, of course she remembered her and her snotty friends did all of those things to you. She just would never admit to it. Or it could be a case of selective memory. Highly doubtful, though. Although there are people who don’t remember the terrible things they did to you because they don’t care how their actions affect others.
I was a bit like you in elementary school. I never got milk poured down my dress, but I came home crying everyday, or I just cried in school when I thought no one was looking, because of the mean girls that surrounded me. I once wore a “punk” outfit and had the entire school laugh at me and say cruel things. I never wore it again after that. One of my best friends for years, who had previously been insulting, ditching and ignoring me, sent me a message on facebook and she mentioned the days of elementary school – I did the same as you, I poured my heart out and let her know all of the things she had done. That was the last time I spoke to her. She didn’t take it too well. I know those are different situations but, I think you did the right thing in telling Addie about what she and her friends did to you and how it hurt you. To be honest, you’d probably fare better just deleting her from your ‘friends’ list.
They probably thought it wasnt that bad
Does it really matter how “bad” they thought it was if what they were doing was hurting another innocent human being? There’s no excuse for it.
Thank you for the kind rules GoodGirl. I just don’t want to hold a grudge anymore, I want to be able to forgive and forget. Okay, well maybe not forget but forgiving would be a really good start for me because I tend to hold grudges against everyone. You know the saying Fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on you? I tend to live by that saying when it comes to my interpersonal relationships. I don’t give second chances because I feel like people won’t ever change. Even though in some cases of people I’ve known they probably have changed for the better, but its not something I can say I’ve never seen. Maybe Addie has, maybe she hasnt, truth is I’m not so sure I want to find out and be hurt again.
This same thing has happened to me in boy version
So, pulling my hair on the bus, tripping me in the halls, pouring chocolate milk down my clothes, calling me names, not letting me join any activities with them at recess, and doing everything in their power to make sure I was miserable and outcasted wasn’t “that bad” ? Well i know a little girl with a ruined childhood who’d beg to differ.
No i said they thought it wasnt bad i know it feels horrible
You’re welcome, Violet. Oh, yes, I am familiar with that saying. I’m always saying it to myself. I’m a bit like that myself, I’m not so good with second chances once I’ve been badly hurt. If it’s someone I care about and I’ve known them for a long time, I tend to give out second and third chances, but after a while I just can’t take it anymore and I think it’s best if I don’t have them in my life. I completely understand wanting to forgive and just move on from it. It is hard, though. You won’t ever forget what happened to you, but it’s cleansing, I guess, to forgive somebody. It’s a risk you take letting someone into your life, and an even greater one if they’ve hurt you. You will be taking that risk with Addie. If you do, keep that in mind. Keep in mind that if she turns out not to have changed, you don’t have to put up with it, you can walk away any time you please.
Okay, nba, if the same thing happened to you in your childhood, you should know how it feels. You should also know that “maybe they thought it wasn’t that bad” is an excuse. You have to own up to your shit.
What do you mean own up to my shit
I didn’t mean ‘you’ as in I was telling you, nba, to own up to your shit. I meant, in general, when you or anyone else does something to offend or hurt another, you shouldn’t make an excuse, like, “oh, I didn’t think it was that bad”. You should just own up to what you did and apologize.
GG – his apologies have already proven to be worthless
value dawg
Dawg is a bully to people who believe in god
Yeah, I’ve noticed that…
Youve noticed what?
My comment was in reply to Dawg. Just fyi.
You dont even know me how can you judge me
You know what – I’m not going to hijack Violet’s thread over this.
you wouln’t mind hearing sincere apologies from the bitches (it’d easen your recovery) but you also know it more than likely won’t happen .. the average human is too good at making up excuses for his bad behaviour, some people think it’s cool to be mean and apologizing would make them look ‘weak’
I can relate to not giving people 2nd chances, I’m quite suspicious by nature and also think it is giving the person another occasion to fuck you over .. I’ve learned to have very little faith in human beings
your priority is I assume to break free from your pain .. you want to move on but you find it hard to just forgive and forget .. your EGO has been hurt and wants justice .. the inner struggle between a need for justice and moving on makes you hang on to the past (assuming you want justice)
if you desire to no longer be enslaved to the past, I believe you’ll have to look at it like this: unfair events took place, you were at the center of them and all of this belongs to the past (even though it’s left some wounds that can easily be open)
get yourself to look at it from a more objective POV (it could have happened to someone else, you could have been one of the mean girls) and make the FIRM decision of putting all of it behind you .. this is my perception of forgiveness .. unfortunately, your ego will try to counter this (it’s been disrespected and justice hasn’t been done) but is that in your best interest (move on) ?
“why would I forgive them ? they haven’t even shown any remorse”
the problem is if you’re expecting your abusers to do what’s right, you’re also giving them the power to rob you of the ability to enjoy life
do you want them to keep having this much influence on your life or do you want your power back ? do you want the past to control your life or do you want to move beyond it ? that’s for you to to decide
ps: I was mentally abused in college and a girl I was strongly attracted to betrayed my trust .. it was fun to her
I used to crave for any form of justice (watch the abusers fail in life, smack the shit out of them without no repercussions for me) and would get pissed at people telling me it could have happened in another group, that’s it’s just human nature etc .. my ego was so angry and revolted it had me stuck in a subjective analysis of the situation
the spiral of negativity went on for a long time (2+ years) .. 4 to 5 days ago, I started to have a more objective approach on the whole thing and took the decision to leave it where it belongs .. guess what, I no longer care much about justice being done or revenge: I want to be reborn, enjoy life as much as I can and can’t care less about what happens to them
you have been a victim of abuse, noone can deny this .. but do you want to limit yourself to the victim status ? stay strong VB
Ok, let’s get something straight. I am NOT a victim anymore. I may have been when I was that weak little girl they could kick around, but I’m not that girl anymore. I’ve grown up, I’ve gotten smarter and stronger then any of them will ever be. I suppose it could have happened to anyone else but it happened to ME, and nothing is going to change that. Yes, the past is the past, and as much as I’m glad it’s over and done with, the fact that they don’t even remember the hurt they caused is what really gets me. I know if I treated someone that way I would never forget it and I definitely wouldn’t be able to forgive myself until I made it right. Fortunately, I was never one of those girls. I don’t want bad things to happen to them, justice has been done because I know a lot of them aren’t in the best situations right now. Ally is on her own and pregnant, Addie’s parents are divorced now and her boyfriend is in Iraq. Is it karma that these girls are feeling hurt and neglected, much the same way I felt? Maybe, or maybe it’s just the universe telling me that bad things happen, sometimes to good people, sometimes bad. In all honesty I am willing to wish them well and give them a clean slate because I don’t really think I have reasons to be bitter anymore. The past is the past, it’s going to stay that way.
I’m glad that you’re moving on, because honestly that is the best thing to do. I’ve had a very similar thing happen to me in year six. Before then I was part of their group, but I always saw myself as the nice one who tried to stop them and make things right. When they first told me they didn’t remember, I was angry just like you, but then a different girl and her parents told me that I had caused her a lot of pain when we were younger. I honestly don’t remember it and that’s when I realised the other people who did it to me were probably in the same boat. Basically after that, I did the whole “forgive but don’t forget” thing and moved on. I really wish you luck in moving on and hopefully living even slightly happier now that you are no longer keeping that emotional luggage with you.
“forgive but don’t forget†– this should really be “Forgive, lean, grow from the experience and don’t put yourself in a position to have to forgive again” … but it doesn’t quite fit on a bumper sticker now, does it.
being compassionate to our current and former enemies can be an immeasurable gift that teaches that person they too can be better people – but not at the cost of leaving ourselves vulnerable to the meanness and selfishness they exhibited in the past – we know they are capable of it – so we must be prepared that they have not yet learned the lesson.
some people will never learn – and thus – we can choose to walk away and let them reap their rewards on their own.
reaper dawg
You have heard it said that thou shal love thy neighbor and hate thine enemy but yea i say unto you love thine enemy as thy neighbor