I almost cracked in front of my entire family. Or i did crack, partially?! I don’t know.
i started rambling about not having a desire to live, honestly i just said that to shut them up because they were talking about responsibilities of today’s youth and how it was different and much harder when they were young. Fine it was, let them have their past but keep it for yourself because i am not feeble- minded.
I thought i won’t be coming here anymore, but i guess i still have the need. since i can’t talk to anyone, i mean i can’t talk how depressed i am and there so little happy time in my life now. It s not that i don’t want to live, i really do want to have something that will keep me alive, at least i wanted to somewhere in the  deepest parts of my possibly sick mind.
I was close of sharing this story with my mother, my grandmother or to some of my friends. Because this is the sign that i really want them to help me. But than i asked my self how? I don’t won’t to worry them with these things anyway, i mean i am only going to make it worse. i don’t want to disappoint them anymore, that is the classic story. I can solve it by myself, i ll try, i ll give my best to sort my self out. Until now i already learned not to cry, can you believe it i can’t cry. I simply see it as a sign of weakness that s all and now i learned to control it.
It seems i am able to control myself in my emotional breakdowns more carefully. But it doesn’t mean i can get rid of the desire to die, it s always there,silent but strong pushing me step by step to the edge.
If i don’t manage to find the new me in the next few months i am going to finish this for good. At first it won’t seem like the best for the people around me but there are so many good things that would come out of my death. I only feel sorry for the expenses of the funeral,but i maybe find the way to take care for that too. Yes i am selfish but, that would be my last selfish performance on this world. and i would finally do something i am completely certain i want to do. The only thing that makes me smile when i think about it. i am dying to explain my family and friends how i really feel and who i really am,but i don’t think i ll be able to do that.
2 comments
just keep pushing on poster…………….
Just like the rest of us here. THis is not your first time feeling this shitty. And I am sorry to hear u are in the depths right now.
But TRY (easy to say), TRY to remember that you do have good days too. You have not ALWAYS been depressed. Right? Wait out he bad if you can.
Praying for u to find just a bit of strength.
Your friend,
J
It’s okay to break down to your family and ask for help, it will not only help you but it will also help your family become closer. Trust in your family and those around you is what you need because believe me, they can help you through this. Yes, this is a dark time in your life and you may feel trapped and scared but your family can help you through it, you don’t have to do this alone. Like you said, you don’t want to die, you want to hold onto something that will give you hope. Find that thing. Really find it and hold onto it with all of your might. You can get through this one step at a time, you can overcome these feelings. You are strong enough and don’t ever think that you’re not. You can beat thing, you just need to set your mind to it. Stay strong, you can do it.