I am not one for showing my true feelings to the general public. I consider myself to have gone completely numb on the inside but nobody could ever tell thanks to my happy personality which I fake just so I do not have to answer questions regarding my true life. I thought once I got out of high school my life would be a bit different, it is in some ways but not everything is peachy. I have been physically and mentally abused by my mom since I was born and I am 21 now and it still continues. According to her I am worthless, need to shut up, and need to stop striving for attention and being deceitful and a liar. She fakes being a mother in public but once we are behind closed doors she is a wicked creature. Moving out is not an option for I do not have the money and probably never will I do not greatly care for the rest of my family nor do they care for me. I believe the first time I spoke I was seen as an outcast in all of their eyes. Nobody wants me-which is becoming more and more clear on a daily basis,and nobody has ever shown any kind of love or acknowledgement towards me. I have never had a single person who I could call a true friend let alone have any guy interested in me. I am alone 99 percent of the time whenever people aren’t screaming at me, this includes college. Nobody acknowledges my existance there and from my experience with people not an ounce of kindess can be found anywhere. I’m sure many people think they are being kind but it is one thing to say hello and another to actually help someone who has never known anything other than hatred for her existance. Sometimes I do wish with all my might that I had never been born. It is impossible for people to realize that just because I am plain and know very little of the world it does not mean that I cannot feel.
I truly came to the realization today that I have absolutely no one and will probably always be alone. No one bothers to hear me so why should I stay on this earth? Yes, some may say going this way is ‘selfish’ but I do believe that there are to be better things beyond this hell that I am living. There are many things that I would have loved to have done but I am too tired to remember any of them. I am ready to meet my maker even if I will not be blessed.