I live a life, yet I feel like I do not truly hold an important existence. All I am is an immenseÂ disappointment, a big burden, & faith put to waste. I have felt worthless and invisible in society ever since I was a little child, and I have worked so hard to overcome that, yet I have just landed right back into that same dilemma and loneliness. In so many ways, I am still that lonely, confused, and lost child I was then, yet unlike then, there just is no hope for me now. Change just is not possible.
One of the biggest issues in my life is that I am a nuisance to my family. While they do love me, I can tell that I just bring pain to their lives by needing help with money constantly. You see, I am in college, and it is not an affordable one. That was my biggest mistake I have ever made in my life-I fell for all the allure portrayed through the brochures and the sales-like pitches-My heart was enchanted, and I felt that it would direct me to a good future career.
But I know I was wrong to choose the school. While it has gifted me with some very wonderful friends, it has just caused a financial nightmare for both my family and I. The districtÂ slaps on so many bills for so many things, that it has caused a lot of tension and financial struggles in my family. I know I should have transferred out of there as soon as possible, but I thought it would be manageable, and much of my family agreed that I should try to stick with it.
Now, I am up to my senior year, and now I cannot help but cry and crumble in defeat upon feeling that I made a big mistake. I will owe $40,000 after graduation, and for a girl that has never had any money in her entire life, it is quite a huge hassle.
Yes, I know I signed on to it, and knew what I was getting into it, but I had thought that I would haveÂ a great chance of getting a good job. But in the face of this economy, it is clear that it is not going to be so-My major is specializing in Journalism, Public Relations & Marketing, and it is just so competitive-I know I don’t even have a chance.Â I used to think I had talent, but now I realize that nothing about me stands out from anyone else.
I tried for months to get a job just for the summer, applying to probably about 200 places in total. And people just did not want me. I was not good for any of them. So, I am now working at a Christian Camp, doing exhaustive work in a kitchen for 12 hour shifts. I hate it, but I can’t leave, because I need the money. College has gone up even more-and the sad thing is, after all this hard work, I STILL won’t have enough to pay for college myself; my parents will have to help me-and they had to take up strenuous jobs themselves to do so.
Being stuck inside while I see all the little tots outside playing, giggling and enjoying their little carefree livesÂ is just torture-and it seems to summon up my life inÂ a nutshell-watching people live happy lives while I stand on the sidelines, suffering a miserable existence. While I chop up 1000 tomatoes, or stick yet another batch of cookies in the oven, while people bark orders above my head, I cannot help but wish I could escape it all. Everything. The anxiety. The exhaustion. The pathetic reality that is my life… Everything.
I mean, why bother trying to live when I am so unhappy, and nothing ever gets better for me? Why bother to live when I know I will never get to live successfullyÂ & comfortably-because of the stupid college decision I made? Why Bother live when I am being a burden to my parents-who, in their 60’s, really cannot afford to be working to take care of a 20 year old going to an expensive college. I am a burden to my older siblings as well, who give so much to me, when I can’t give anything in return.
IÂ know if I chose to end my life, it would break their hearts, but in the end, it would be best for everyone, because they finally would not have me eating up all their money, and would not have to worry about me anymore. And plus, since I do not want to live anyway, really, I don’t deserve to be a source of their care and hospitality. That is how i feel anyway.
But judging from what is written above, I truly am useless, right? There doesn’t seem to be any sense of redemption that awaits me in the future…
I am sorry if I wasted your time, dear reader. It’s just, I don’t know who else to reach out to…I don’t know if I could write all this in a suicide note, if I did decide to go that route.