That feeling of just finally being fed up with being torn down and run over by anyone and practically everyone. That feeling of no longer being able to hold on any longer because you have no energy left; but even if you did you just don’t want to put up with it any more.
Why hold onto a life that you’re so miserable in? I know it’s selfish to take my own life because it effects those who cared about me and everyone that has ever come into some sort of contact with me. But c’mon, it’s also selfish on the part of those who try and talk me out of it or stop me. They try and talk me out of my own death for their own purpose, because they want me to stick around. They don’t really take into consideration what I want to do. They don’t see that this is something that I need to do because my times up, because I’ve lost the battle in the losing game and because I just have no fight left in me. They give you the “it gets better” speech but they aren’t even sure themselves that it will. Yeah sure, it’s easy to say that when it’s not you that is in this situation, this mindset and its easy to give your opinion of what you think should happen or be done. Now switch me places and you will see just how effective the “it gets better” speech really is. After months of fighting and fighting and no sign of change or happiness, I start calling your bluff, I start seeing that you have no idea what you’re talking about because nothing has gotten better.
No one is going to feel my pain, they aren’t going to experience first hand what I am feeling and exactly what is going through my brain. They aren’t going to see that I’ve tried endlessly to try and make everything okay, talk myself off the ledge and even fight the burning temptation that is a constant reminder in my own mind. All everyone is going to see is a dead selfish teenager who only thought of himself. The fact is, no one sees exactly what leads up to the end. No one sees exactly how hard you try. They don’t see the trigger, they don’t see any of it. People like to pretend like they know how it feels but the truth is, everybody’s experience with suicidal thoughts is different. They are all caused by different things and they all end in some what of a different way. Yes, we all are the same in the sense that we are all just broken and torn down to the point where we feel trapped. Some of us just shut down and others keep the fight for their lives going. Sure, we are branched in the same category but we all have a different story. We all have a different reason why we feel the way we do, why we want to get away from everything.. for good.
As for my fight, it continues. I’m not quite ready yet to give up, I’m not quite ready to give up everything that I’ve worked hard for. Taking one step at a time and pushing forward as best as I can. I have a lot to live for and I’m not going to let suicide claim my life just yet.
2 comments
The decision to commit suicide is final. Giving life another chance is open-ended.
I admire your courage and your insight, we are all different yet we face a similar pain. It’s how we pick ourselves up that sets us apart, really. If only we could reach through our screens and hold each others hands, kind words typed out through text seems to have given me the inspiration I need to keep fighting, although I am already dying. Thank you for your post.