Warning: May Ramble
Note: as I type this, I feel calm and acceptance of this
For the past five days, I felt a lot like Noble Six. Crap starts showing up, the ones you’re freinds with are gone, and you’re stuck dealing with a Massive amount of problems.
Unlike Spartan B-312 though, I wasn’t fighting Covenant to save others, I was fighting to save myself. If for no other reason than to fufill a random dream; that of me helping others ready to quit, helping them back on their feet to fight back against the crappy dog-eat-dog world of today.
The past five days were my worst; always a detached feeling, staring at various things I knew could end my life within 10 minutes.
I suppose I should mention why I felt like ending my life.
10 days ago, I was suddenly questioning myself, the pebble that started the rock slide. It was something that I did every so often, to check if I was ok with my current position. I wasn’t. I only had 2 freinds, both who I didn’t want to bother. I’m one of those people who has great advice for everybody, but is completly unable to help themselves. My grades are horrible for just about everybody who bother to check for my sake. I currently have a 1.8 gpa(1 F, 3 D’s, 2 B’s and an A), Which I personally find ok since my previous grades consisted of various amounts of F’s and D’s with a C or two. I am completly unable to see my future, the only plan I have is joining a Branch of tne military. I have no Father figure and Family Relations consists of me just saying what my family wants to hear. I seem to constantly become a spare wheel everytime I hang out with aquaintences(I’m objecting to call them freinds since I neither trust or talk to them about my problems). Both freinds haven’t texted me at all in the past 5 days(even if they ARE busy, it doesn’t take that long to at least say “Good Morning/Night” or “Sorry, can’t talk today. Busy”?).
Then the past five days, my mind constantly went to suicide. It’s kind of scary how easy it would be now that I really think about it. All I’d have to do is go to the edge of town, walk away for a good hour or so, then commit the deed. But I didn’t.
Because even though I have nothing going for me, I still lived. I still lived, because even though nobody would care, I realized that I could relate to those contemplating suicide. Relate to them, and eventually find a way to bring them back, help them back on their feet and continue riding the Horse called Life. My personal philosophy that has kept me going all these 15 years of misery and constantly questioning my worth, is Hakuna Matata; pain is inevitable, suffering is optional; all you can do is forget the pain, but keep the lessons that you learned and keep moving foward. I’m not scared of death, everything eventually dissapears, but I won’t go actively searching for it either.
If you’re still reading this, I thank you for taking the time to do so, and I hope to see you around the community.