My fucked up story.

Okay,here goes.

My names murron mackay,incase you hadn’t guessed by my username, and today I was searching on the internet about getting help on being suicidal, and I stumbled on this website. I had a look through and thought I would add my story. It’s nothing huge, infact compared to most of the stories on here, it’s like nothing. But anyway, in a nutshell, here is my story.

Don’t get me wrong, I have a family, a roof over my head and even a boyfriend, and i know what you’s are all thinking, ‘Selfish *****’ etc etc..But before you judge, please read this blog and hear me out. This time last year my life was just about perfect, I had great friends, was always out partying, wasn’t fighting with my parents all the time, always happy, getting good grades, all that but now? It’s the opposite. I feel so alone all the time. And my boyfriend? Well he’s the most supportive person you will ever meet, he’s perfect. The only real reason i’m still here today. Without him,i would have been long gone. Nine times out of ten he’s always there, But it’s the odd occassion i need him more than ever, and well he isn’t there. I always feel like i’m annoying him when I try to talk to him about this kind of stuff, And quite frankly it hurts, Because he’s all I have. But he likes going to another town to hang with all his other pals. So again, I’m alone. But he understands me, he makes me feel beautiful when I know I look rediculous. He’s so caring and not like any other boy. He’s different, he’s mine. He is the only one who really knows how I feel, how all this has affected me. He encourages me to stop the overdosing, the cutting, the self harm, but he doesn’t push me, he helps me. And he’s the reason I’m alive.

Bet your still thinking ‘Selfish,why give up all life?’ etc.. That brings me on to my next part. It’s all changed.. Now all i do is constantly fight with my parents,all they ever do is put me down, make me feel like shit. I can’t talk to them about anything, It’s horrible, I always hear about people being so close to their family, then. Theres me.

My friends? Well if i’m really honest, I don’t really have any. Suddenly I always got left out, never invited out anywhere. On facebook and bbm I would see them all in each others name, realising that yet again, I’ve been ignored. It’s like a punch in the gut, and it fucking hurts.

Then comes school. During school, it’s fine? I’m quite happy in school because I feel, wanted. But then, It’s the rumors. They’re the worst thing of all. The spreading, the talking, the looking, the pointing, the laughing. You get what I mean right? We all go through it at one point. It’s hell, trust me. When you walk into a room and can feel all eyes burning into you, then they’ll turn away, and the giggling, the talking ,the looking back and away again quickly.. Teachers don’t help, infact telling a teacher makes things 10 times worse, that makes you ‘a grass’.

Anyway, thats me done ranting, but really, all that adds up. I constantly have a fake smile on my face, telling people I’m okay when i’m clearly not. Covering up the scars with make up or fake tan. I need help, I’m sure of it. I cut, alot. My arms look like a washed out tiger. I’ve overdosed, many times. But i’ve calm down, i got anti depressaints etc. But I don’t know how to tell my mum how I really feel, should I show her this?

If you’ve read this far, then i thank you! Doubt anyone will though. But THANK YOU if you did! This story is fucked up, stupid and pointless like me :)…but I needed to let it all out.

God bless xoxo