My inner termoil

Anxiety, depression, Bulimia Nervosa and cronically alone.

After seeking treatment for Comorbid major depressive disorder and Bulimia Nervosa I though I would change and consequently my life would change.  Reality is a whole lot different. I constantly have suicidal thoughts, high levels on anxiety and extremely low moods.

I find my self in the grips of yet another bad Bulimia time.  On a good night I eat dinner once and loose it once, on a bad night I might eat 3 and loose 3.  I do it not to be thin but to ease the anxiety and stress and as an avenue for self harm.  I am overweight so really that should be my motivation.

My depression has driven me from my friends, saying no enough times pretty much stops all invites and socialising.  Its very hard to say yes to invites when your head is saying no before the invite has even been finished spoken.  I removed myself from my very meager social life because it was so tiring to put on the enjoyment face and not be miserable around people.  Working was taking enough out of me  so that I no longer had the strength and resolve to socialise.

I am 33 and I don’t deserve a BF or husband.  I do not see any reasons why someone would want to spend their lives with me.  No one in their right mind would want to be seen with a fat, ugly, unhappy lump like me.  I have come to this conclusion though past experiences, ridicule from complete strangers and that I can’t even keep friends so how the hell am I supposed to maintain a relationship.

I have so many things I could blab on about with my deficiencies but I really don’t have the energy as tonight was a bad food night.

Thanks for reading anyway