My Note

Hello.

This is my note. This is the only place my note will ever be, because I’m too much of a coward to actually go through with this.

I’m nothing, I mean nothing to myself. I would really rather disappear into nothing. Scatter myself into a thousand and one atoms, floating peacefully in space. Instead I’m stuck here, in this colourless hell. The only person i can talk to won’t listen, I can’t tell her anyway. I love her too much to let her bear this.

Anyway, my name is Sian. I’m nearly sixteen, I have blonde hair and brown eyes. I’m a dancer, that’s how I define myself. I write poetry and I love cupcakes. And I want to die.

I don’t want to die horribly, I wouldn’t be able to put myself in a car crash nor would I be brave enough to slice a vein down my arm open. I would like to die quietly, peacefully. I want to drift off to sleep and never have to wake up. I don’t know why I want this, I just know that anything is better than this feeling of utter worthlessness and emptiness.

If I could I would swallow an entire packet of my antibiotics, mix it up with as many painkillers as I could find and wash the whole thing down with any sort of horrible alcohol I could find. If I were brave enough, I would do it. I would do it happily, I would drift off to sleep – just like I’ve wanted for months.

But I’m not brave enough, for no reason other than I don’t want to hurt the people I care about. I can’t bear to picture whoever would find me, I can’t handle to imagine their reactions. I would never want to be found by anyone who loves me, or who I love. What if I could just disappear into nothingness, then nobody would have to find me. I could just fly away.

Anyway. This was my note. My note that I’ll never use, because I’m too much of a coward.

But I would if I could.