My Sappy Story

(Sorry for the sarcastic title; I use humor to cope.)

Hello, I’m Ghostly. That’s my username in place of my usual, more personal one. I feel like this may be the best place on the web to deal with suicide openly and honestly, so here I am supporting those who feel alone in this, and potentially talking people through some tough times, and I’m glad that’s what’s going on here. You are all very kind.

Maybe “helping people” is an overstatement, or a little premature. I’m just glad there is some forum to talk on that isn’t monitored to death or trashed by trolls and idiots. I’d like to tell you a little bit about my situation (and there goes the positive overtone), and I’m happy when you guys share too.

I have always been unhappy with family, down on myself, and disconnected from the positive feelings that make the world go around (in the sense that I was always mentally removed or not reciporative of people’s advances). So I was a loner, and a daydreamer. I’d sit on the bench, maybe talking with my friend or staring at a bug. This would inspire people to come up to me.

“What’s wrong with this guy….Hey, [John], are you okay?” They’d ask.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” And I’d raise my eyebrows as if awaiting something more.
“Uh… you want to play basketball?”
“No thanks.”

That was the story of my life for my later childhood, and I really was “fine.” I guess it’s easy to pull through when you’ve only got kid stuff on your plate. After that, I was an angsts teenager, pretty typical for a nerd, except removed and deeply lonely. Downing fast food by the pound to grow bigger, liking fast car rides and amusement parks.

Then I got all demotivated and just played videogames and read all day. I started to prefer electronic communication to real life, because I was disappointed in the evils of human nature and the abundance of harmful delusions and innacuracies. How did it come to be this way? What enjoyment can I squeeze out of life as long as I am so sensitive? The answer was just physical things, and I am no rock star, I will tell you that much.

Now I’m here. Washed up early, depressed, lonely. A disappointment to my family, and a disappointment to my community. I’d sat I’m getting tired if videogames, reading, and the internet, but that is very dangerous. Those are the only things I live for day-to-day.

Socially, I am the Omega. My genes are not good, and neither is my contribute to damn-near anything substantial. My mom (the only person who gives two shits, aside fron my ex-friends) tries to encourage me to take pride in my work or try and find work that I do take pride in, but as a nihilist, it’s impossible. Does anybody here know what it’s like to fall into the moral, existential emptiness and learn that unless you get shocked out of it, it will be with you forever? Do you know what it’s like to know the world in which you live someone was just constructed in order to make you feel better? Then have them look back at you and say they pity you. They used you as well. I’m sure most people of age know that one these days.

So death is favorable to life at the moment. That’s why when I almost blew up, I went to a mental hospital. That was fun. I’ll never go back. I can’t even discuss the hopelessness with him because he belittles it in order to protect himself. He was suicidal too.

Maybe I’ll live on and prosper, and maybe I’ll turn out to be a second-rate, unattractive loser my whole life. As far as I’ve seen, there’s no place in this world for the latter.