My Will

I’m Carys, and this is my story. It started back in seventh grade, from January to now. I had recently met a girl, Kristin. We clicked right away and life was good. Until summer. One of my friends from before, Olivia, started acting up a bit. She was quieter, and preferred to stay behind more. I got concerned, but she wouldn’t say anything. Later, I discovered Kristin was a lesbian, and she liked me. I was kind of astonished, and I didn’t know what to think. Eventually, I fell in love with her. At the same time, however, Olivia revealed to me she liked Kristin. Kristin being unaware, she invited us all to a sleepover. That night, with the lights out, Kristin suddenly kissed me. It was beautiful. But Olivia started hyperventilating. She fell into a mental breakdown, and things escalated from there. After that night, Olivia tried to starve herself. She felt she was worthless to everyone. At the SAME time, ANOTHER friend, Anna, whose mother had passed away that year, was cutting herself and tried to hang herself. Eventually everyone broke down. I tried choking myself, suffocating myself, anything to get away from the stress. Kristin couldn’t stand it and attempted suicide as well. Luckily, no one died, but things just got worse. Tramatised by the summer, I told Kristin I wanted a short break from everything. Over that school year, she started hanging out with Olivia more. Olivia was happier, but not healed. The next summer wasn’t much better. Everytime I made Kristin laugh or smile, Olivia gave me a dirty look. I asked Kristin whether we still were together, but she said Olivia had grown on her. It crushed my heart completely. It still does. To make everything worse and more complicated, Anna said she liked me, and a guy, Dave, said he liked Kristin. He’s a sweet boy, but he tried killing himself too. Middle school was hell. Now we’ve all talked it through. Kristin’s torn between Olivia and I, Anna’s off and on about suicidal thoughts, and Dave’s reconsidering his suicide (thankfully). This all has caused everyone serious pain. Currently, Kristin, Olivia and I have agreed to give Kristin time for her to decide (as she’s not interested in Dave, who is slowly beginning to accept that) between us. I already feel like I’ve lost. I feel useless to the person I love the most, and I’m selfishly envious of Olivia. I want to die, I cry myself to sleep and sometimes in front of Kristin. I try to hide it. I feel like there’s no chance she’ll ever love me again, and I feel alone and lost. Thank you for reading. Have a good day.