New uderstanding

I went crazy yesterday.

 Mom brought home the one who irrates me so. We had an agreement that I would get advanced warning we she was bringing him home. Yesterday she had left a message on my phone. I had be working in the barn and hadn’t had my phone with me.  There’s a longer story but I ended getting upset and lost my ability to talk and think straight. I tried to contain myself/felt an explosion inside. Ended up mucking up two of my belongings(silently with no audience-it was the best I could do).

Today, he’s back again. Today there was not even a call before. It occurs to me that its the lying and being apart of the household which upsets me so. She will lie about/for him/ he will lie about helping with work. He hustles her. I have no control………

I’m trying to forgive someone who molested me when I was a child. I was lied to /I was huslted. I became very confused and not deling with the trama when I was a child, reinjured the injury so many times, so much shame and guilt, became so twisted with the confusion and the pain. 

Every once in a while I will slip in telling someone who doesn’t know my story( a few know pieces) that I amproud that even though I haven’t been able to dislodge my festering rage I have never gone to jail. Primarily beccause of my inline skate journeys I have been handcuffed in a lot of squad cars. Once close to resisting arrest- the day Oklahoma was bombed.

I am exploring the possibility that I may be PTSD. I have resisted taking mental meds for years. Once even had accepted a prescription, had gotten the first bottle, but never took the first pill. I have seen some miracles of drugs and alot of sideeffects. If I could get in with a good counselor I would be willing to take Prozac.

He is so much the same type of character as my childhood prediator & my Mom welcomes him in the house. I reckon that is alot like not protecting me from the neighborhood lad.

I image an angel, recline within the walls of my ribs, softly stroking my soul , ‘there, there you deserve to release the pain; release and love’. So many people have loved me in this life, but I don’t feel the love. After I get done writing I find a safe location and work on the image and refrain.

I know this line , like inline skating down the highway I can be safe where I am, but  a foot inside the road is a once in a lifetime is a nasty auto accident.

 I am so grateful to have place to communicate how dangerous my life feels.

I texted my Mom,”Amazing how feeling safe & trusting the honesty of the primary relationships go hand in hand”. It seems for me to feel safe I must just remember/accept lying and hustlling is just who he(her current friend/my childhood ‘friend’) is, no stepping into the judgement of is it their choosing or pathology. There, there I tell myself, ‘I must be calm to think clearly, and I can think what it feels like to be safe-regardless of the circumstances’.

If, I can use this less than circumstance to train myself how to firmly hold the attitude of safe not victum, I may be able to help others. I love being able to help others.

 My Mother is solid with her choose. My feeling victumhood cannot help her and can destroy me.  

thanks for reading for me.