Latest news from me.Â
Sumer the Moron
Sumer is back and I wish I could visit him and rip his arms and tongue out. Posting nudes on a site to help alleviate peoples problems caused by rape, abuse, and many other mishaps of life. That’s messed up. I just wonder, is it true that he’s insane? He’s smart, but also stupid. He’s a troll and an idiot. Even I’m not that far gone. I understand his mistrust of America, but attacking the weak? That’s just shitty man. We go here to cope, not to learn about washing machines and nudist colonies. (sad to say, I had “researched” that site a bit).Â
But to post on a site where people aged 12-whatever it may be is just plain wrong. He should get locked up for his actions.Â
Society
This brings me to my next part. Society is corrupted. No matter how you look at it and how many people you add to it, there’s always shit in it.Â
I can say humanity is a mistake and should not resume it’s progress. A government is filled with corrupt politicians and cops. A human is a greedy, and messed up bastard that should have been destroyed long ago.Â
Story
I might post on here a story that I’d like to share with you. It will include war as it’s genre. I ain’t a poet, but my daydreams of war have put me at a position where I wish to write it down, maybe get some criticism.Â
It will revolve around Rogue Shadow, my alter ego, voice in my head and anything else he may be to me.Â
Sanity
I’m not sure if I’m brainwashed, maybe my sanity is slipping away from me. I’m not sure though, if it’s true. I tell myself I will soon go insane, but am I predicting it… Or hoping for it…
Family
My mom last week told me she might divorce my step-dad now. He’s sleeping in a different bed now, and I see it going downhill. My mom is my last role model, and even she can’t find a relationship that works for her.Â
She says she wants to because he’s stupid, lazy, and other things I can’t think of at the moment. She gets angry when she “has to tell him exactly what to do and he constantly asks questions about it.” I think I got my short temper with some people (my brother for example) from her as she ends up yelling at him a lot.Â
Love
What hope do I have for love? I give up on that, I ain’t sure if I fell in love with anyone at all. I thought I fell in love with Nycolle, I sent her a good 50 messages via myspace and then Facebook, until she deleted her accounts and I don’t see her there anymore.Â
I made a mistake there, hoping that if I told her I loved her and (obsessively) telling her how perfect she is/was, that she would say something back that she felt for me too. Later on in life I realized that I never thought it through since I had/have no skill in talking to her at all, leaving me speechless and insanely nervous around her.Â
Then I fell for Jasmine my cousin and she broke up with me recently and for a week it was mass confusion and happiness, and now either numbness or I easily let her go. People on here told me it was OCD, but I’m not sure.Â
Apparently when I open up to people through text and whatnot they fall for me. But it’s always people I’ve never met, either on internet games (ps3), or if it’s on some website like this here (Dawn). People fall for me as I speak sweetly and tell them I love them.Â
But is there any way of me to fall in love for reals? Apparently the intense feelings of love for someone aren’t real because what I felt was fake. I was only hurting myself. At one point I told myself, to change, to become an asshole. Never fall in love and be like every other guy. I never followed through.Â
Brainwash
I got the idea in my head that I was brainwashed whether by media or someone entering my room (or something similiar) and hypnotizing me making me forget what happened. I feel I may have been brainwashed. I forgot the exact things, but I blamed Rogue Shadow for it. I told him he was an asshole (not sure if he is a voice in my head or my imagination, probably hoping he is) and therefore thinking about the movie Sucker Punch. It showed that the girl had an alter ego she used to keep herself brainwashed and to do others biddings whether to become a master killer, or a slut/prostitute. I’m a guy so prostitute seems a bit odd. Also the Army and marines teach soldiers to follow orders, which in some ways can be mind control.Â
I think I may have learned a way to make myself believe things by asphyxiating my self (hands on neck until i pass out restricting blood flow and not air flow) and then telling myself what I want to believe. The best part is it seems to be subliminal, so I forget what I told myself 5 seconds later and i do it enough times. I eventually believe it like when a compulsive liar believes some of her lies as truths.Â
Comment on each section if you can so we can broaden our range of things to say. Hope I get helpful, reassuring and …. help on these matters.Â
29 comments
I just wrote that right now, I never realized it was so long.
When people ‘fall in love’ online, it’s more of a fantasy than a reality. Unlike the world outside the internet, people have the opportunity to hold things back and lie so you can never truly know a person online.
It’s the not knowing that intrigues the mind, people idealize and choose to fill in the gaps themselves, fantasize and believe that because there’s no physical interaction that there’s a real connection.
You’re not an imbecile for wanting someone to love you, but both of you deserve an equal relationship where each person are just as committed as the other and neither of you will find it by just looking for anyone that will just ‘love you’.
Never settle for someone, make sure they blow you away.
Ha I tried but that failed miserably. My parents have trouble finding someone seems impossible.
Someone i used to be seeing has the same problem, parents divorced, watched his mum have man after man coming and going.
Never seeing a normal or properly functioning relationship can damage our views of them, make us do everything wrong make us question everything we do in them, fail in them, feel insecure in them, make serial cheaters, all sorts.
Rather than looking for someone that will just love you while you’re unhappy, look for someone that you’re interested in, someone you want to get to know, someone that you feel will be right for you and you’ll be able to form an equal relationship with. Never just be with someone because they love you, make sure they knock you off your feet and make you feel special.
Problem is I have a mix of bad anxiety and lack of motivation. A deadly mix, sometimes I don’t eat, because I hate talking.
I see, you hate talking, so you feel more confident interacting with girls via the internet because there’s time to revise what you want to say, word it well, make sure it sounds how you want it to sound and there’s the security of being behind a screen should anything go wrong.
Bad anxiety, lack of motivation and loss of appetite are all symptoms of depression, before you jump into anything relationship wise, try and get a proper diagnosis and sort through these issues because a warning from someone that’s been there; Love and mental health problems do not mix.
Yeah I tell myself that all the time. I fear that helps aid me in having a good excuse for my not doing anything bout it. Yet when i was in a relationship with my now ex (my cousin, long story -_-) and I actually felt happier and happier every day until she said she felt awkward being related. And the fact that she only loved the things and way i would treat her right rather than me. I told her once I was going to off myself and she freaked out and she told me she thought he loved me back.
There’s never a good excuse for not doing anything about it, the longer something is left, the harder it is to fix, until it just ends up at the bottom of the list that never gets completed.
From the sounds of it, the illusion of being in a functioning relationship or the feeling of acceptance and being wanted are what you want, but an illusion is an illusion, and they don’t last forever. Believe me, I was just here in January just wanting someone to love me and it will get you nowhere.
It’s a lot of pressure on a person when you tell someone you’re going to take your life, anyone, especially a family member. Someone that has an emotional attachment to you will do anything to prevent such circumstances. She may have just said this to keep you going for a while, it may sound like a cruel thing to do/say but in her eyes she was doing right by you and her family.
Try to work on relationships you already have, with friends and family, strengthen those because i get a feeling that there may be a dysfunctional relationship with a family member that has changed the way you view relationships with others and has made you challenge boundaries with them.
Plenty of relationships gone wrong. Now that I think of it. Problem is I don’t want to go to a hospital and get entrance for suicidal whatever because that may ruin my chances at going into the army/marines, but my dad wont listen to me about a psychologist and my mom has no money. -_- I hate this. I have no job either. I’m 17 so yeah
That’s not what i’m saying, going to a psychiatric ward is the LAST thing I would recommend. What I done was went to my GP, had a little chat with the doctor, got a diagnosis and a prescription. If you can’t afford a proper psychologist, there’s always someone on here ready to listen, the advice and answers may not be as professional or anything but people who’ve lives through it all on here know what they’re talking about. I’m only 17 too, I don’t have a job or money, but there’s plenty of time for that later on, there’s no point in paying for something useless, someone that just observes you while you do all the work yourself. There will always be people here.
Apparently I must have OCD, possibly ADHD (except I’m not hyper) and possibly bipolar (short temper), and other things but I’m not sure.
I just feel that a true evaluation would be in order.
The posts about washing machines, tsunamis, the FBI, and immigration problems were cool. The pedo one’s were not. I’d like to smack that fucker upside the head with an aluminum basesball bat. Whatever.
Why do I even come here?
I’d rather fart.
Sounds like what I have, look up ‘Borderline personality disorder’ see if your symptoms fit into it.
http://www.nhs.uk/Tools/Pages/Wellbeing-self-assessment.aspx?Tag=Mental+health
19. Yeah I’ve taken plenty of tests over the internet and some are unreliable but some work. I had an app that checked my mood every day and it was always low.
I possibly could have BPD, but it could be since I have hypochondria I may think i have it as well. I do that a lot.
That one works, it’s the one used by the NHS. It can’t really diagnose anything but it gives you an idea of where about you are compared to how a mentally healthy person should be. But if i’m honest you do sound like you have BPD.
Yeah quite possibly. I’m quite unsure though of whether things are real or fake, a side effect of schizo, but I mostly only dream of voices. I’m not sure if thats the same as schizophrenia but I talk to Rogue, but I think he’s my consciencd.
“The primary features of BPD are unstable interpersonal relationships, affective distress, marked impulsivity, and unstable self-image.
Individuals with BPD tend to experience frequent, strong and long-lasting states of aversive tension, often triggered by perceived rejection, being alone or perceived failure. They may show lability (changeability) between anger and anxiety or between depression and anxiety and temperamental sensitivity to emotive stimuli.
The negative emotional states specific to BPD fall into four categories: destructive or self-destructive feelings; extreme feelings in general; feelings of fragmentation or lack of identity; and feelings of victimization.
Individuals with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, reacting strongly to perceived criticism or hurtfulness. Their feelings about others often shift from positive to negative, generally after a disappointment or perceived threat of abandonment or of losing someone. Self-image can also change rapidly from extremely positive to extremely negative. Impulsive behaviors are common, including alcohol or drug abuse, promiscuous and intense sexuality, gambling and recklessness in general. Attachment studies have revealed a strong association between BPD and insecure attachment style, the most characteristic types being “unresolved”, “preoccupied”, and “fearful”. Evidence suggests that individuals with BPD, while being high in intimacy- or novelty-seeking, can be hyper-alert to signs of rejection or devaluation and tend toward insecure, avoidant or ambivalent, or fearfully preoccupied patterns in relationships. They tend to view the world as generally dangerous and malevolent. BPD is linked to increased levels of chronic stress and conflict in romantic relationships, decreased satisfaction of romantic partners, abuse and unwanted pregnancy; these links may be general to personality disorder and subsyndromal problems.
Manipulation and deceit are viewed as common features of BPD by many of those who treat the disorder as well as by the DSM-IV. Some mental health professionals, however, caution that an overemphasis on these traits and an overly broad definition of “manipulation” can lead to prejudicial treatment of BPD sufferers, particularly within the health care system.
Suicidal or self-harming behavior is one of the core diagnostic criteria in DSM IV-TR, and management of and recovery from this can be complex and challenging. The suicide rate is approximately 8 to 10 percent. Self-injury attempts are highly common among patients and may or may not be carried out with suicidal intent. Ongoing family interactions and associated vulnerabilities can lead to self-destructive behavior. Stressful life events related to sexual abuse can be a particular trigger for suicide attempts by adolescents with a BPD diagnosis.”
I talk out loud, not to anyone in particular, just out loud. I wouldn’t say schizophrenia, my mum was wrongly diagnosed with that when she said she used to talk to the cat and dead family. She was then properly diagnosed as Bi-polar, similar to BPD.
“The primary features of BPD are unstable interpersonal relationships, affective distress, marked impulsivity, and unstable self-image.”
Yeah I see. Smart. Half that I can’t really understand. Ugh I think I’m a bit tired.
Well goodnight thanks for talking bout it.
I’ll translate it from Wikipedia talk to normal talk.
The main symptoms of BPD are, unstable relationships (Interpersonal is just a fancy word referring to something between two or more people), grief or anxiety that manifests itself as emotions, noticeable impulsive behavior and an inconsistent view of yourself.
I see. Hmm posdibly yes
Goodnight^
This post blew me away!!!
Haha thanks