pretty enough for you

i have very low self esteem. i spend all day online looking at ways to make myself prettier- makeup tricks, hair tricks, fashion tips. i shop a lot and keep up with latest trends and i always try to look good. i want to please those around me- my husband my family. everyone is always looking their best, they criticize me when i do not wear makeup or have my hair done. they look down on me. this morning i was feeling down and ugly like i always do while watching some beauty videos on youtube. i was listening to the TV about how to be sensual towards your husband, and get his attention. suddenly i decided to just jump into bed with my husband and wake him up with kisses and cuddles- something that i rarely do. i just wanted to show him some love and hold him. he woke up and just…hit me. he pushed me away really hard. he pushed and shoved me a few other times. i felt so stupid. i started to cry. i felt sick to my stomach. i felt so hurt and worthless. i still feel hurt. he just stared at me crying. almost like he was satisfied. i got out of bed and walked away. he is now sleeping again. he looks content and like he doesn’t care that he just hurt me so much. i feel so undesirable. i feel like unworthy of love. i want to die. i don’t want to be in this world anymore. i want a divorce. i want to feel liked and accepted for once.