For awhile now I’ve been “Ready to die” so to speak… I haven’t been able to think of a full proof way to end it yet but my mind is constantly thinking of new options, none of which will actually work. I have 2 in mind, but they are both extremely difficult to achieve, and 1 of them doesn’t have a very high probability of success.
I don’t think my depression is curable and ending it would be a permanent solution to a permanent problem. I can’t suffer the humiliation, shame, regret, loneliness, pain, and sadness any longer. I feel as if my very existence is nothing but a cruel joke, never once have I been truly happy, despite my family who cares about me, it doesn’t matter… I feel as if I have been on my own from the start, they can’t even begin to understand anything about me, they hardly even know who I really am…
I have many health issues and people try and pretend like nothing is wrong with me, and instead of walking a mile in my shoes they force me to wear their shoes and run a marathon in them.
The day I die is the day I finally will be at peace, no longer do I care to escape my depression or live, I’ve come to terms with the fact that when I do die, it will greatly hurt my family, but I can’t live like this, nobody should have to live how I live. I’m just a kid, I never fully got to experience my childhood since my health went downwards when I was about 9 and just got worse since, it’s as if I was forced to mature faster than my mind could handle.
I never liked who I am, and what I’ve become. Ever since I was born I have always been someone who I deeply hated, I don’t care about many people anymore so I am quite rude and mean to others, and I hate that I am this way. I have made so many mistakes, and my health has held me back from doing something great.
I would like a clean slate… But to just throw the slate away and walk the dark path seems like an even better idea. I am a fan of gloomy things and always hoped my afterlife would be a grey and gloomy forest, forever to live in silence as I watch life stay at a constant halt, never progressing, and never going backwards. A place to be alone, and free.
I don’t know when I will die, I hope as soon as possible. But when ever that day comes, I will be ready, and I will welcome it with a smile on my face and arms wide open.
1 comment
I’m not sure what you’re so depressed about, but life moves relatively fast. We will be forced to face our own mortality. From my own expeirience, life is itself a struggle. And without struggle, there can be no progress. To be worth anything to yourself or others, you have to struggle because everything in life is only as attainable as you make it.
I understand the darkness of solitude, but I find strength in knowing that my struggles amount to something, regardless of what I lose or gain.
Consider yourself lucky that you have a family who cares for you; mine are about to leave this planet. Cherish the little time you have with them because, though you might deny it, you will miss them when they are gone.