i recently found this website. i felt like writing something, cuz lately it’s so damn hard. i’m close to my limit.
i am nearly 25 yrs old. i deal with depression and anxiety since i can remember. 4 like 22yrs, i lived along with it not worring about it too much, i didn’t really know what i had anyway. since then it got worst. i’ve never been very social at all. i’m a shy person and very clumsy, or should i say fumbling? i dont know the right word to describe it in english… though i’ve always fought my personality. more than 3 yrs ago my life have been a big downfall. i’ve lost pleasure in everything, i’ve became even more anti-social, i barely get out of my house, i’ve lost my driver’s license, i’ve lost my job almost a year ago. my bills are piling. my money is all gone now. i’m about to lose my house. i can’t find a damn job in this fuckin country. things are pretty bad in portugal. i’m on trial for negligent homicide. a PERSON DIED cuz i was reckless with my driving. a mistake that cost me real bad. i barely talk now. nothing comes out. i’m always stuck inside my head. i don’t know how to make a conversation anymore. can’t really say wt i’m feeling. i’m in a relationship 4 almost 3 yrs now, this last year has been very difficult cuz she went to the university. it’s not the same anymore. she feels tired. she doesn’t feel the same. during our relationship i got really obsessed/in love with her. she had contributed very much to my depression, not becuz of her, but it’s really me. she lost much of her friends here, i lost the few i had. cuz it was only us everyday. i have a tremendous fear of being cheated, so i am very possessive and jealous. i always try to hide it anyways. i do nothing i just feel even more depressed. so i think sex is like one the most important things in a relationship, so i always tried to be perfect in this subject. i feel like i wasn’t that good but i always tried. now simply doesn’t work. last few months i ve been having premature ejaculation. it drives me crazy. i don’t know what to do. i feel so desperate. i simply don’t know what to do without her. she’s like my life support. i tried to hang myself last year. but i failed. i feel that she’s still wt me cuz she’s afraid i will try it again. i tried a psychiatrist, she gave me anti-depressants but the side effects were worst than ever. i don’t know if u are really understanding me, but it’s very hard to express myself. it took me like 4 days to write this. even cutting, alcohol or drugs don’t seem to work anymore. it was supposed to be a short story but.. u know.. it’s almost 5am now. here i go again, trying to sleep. 🙁 BETTER TO BURN OUT, THAN TO FADE AWAY.
1 comment
Fallen87, first that reckless driving issue is hard for me to look past because if you the cause of someone else death because of stupidly that stupidly is hard for me to accept in others. From your point of view I can’t tell if she staying with you because she loves you or fear you attempting suicide again, but one thing for sure, you not going to get out the mess you in unless you willing to change.
I understand your feelings with her, and sex thing and understand so much that you might be powerless to change your feelings as long as you with her. Its impossible to let go someone when they all you got, but you have to understand you could lose anyone if you stay mess up too long or pull them down with you. You not going to change nothing for yourself unless you want change. – that’s your first step.