Sometimes it would be easier if I wasn’t here..

Life was always hard on me, from the day I was born.. with an alcohlic father who had abandoned me and my mother when I was 2 and a mother who’s hobby is to blame me for everything and yell at me.. Really no one to care for me at this age. I was always alone and I tried my best to always get out of the house as much as I could because why would I stay there..

When I got older and there had been more yelling towards me, neglect, and beatings.. I even remember one time when i was in grade 2 and I was playing piano, I messed up and got a note wrong my mom was pissed at me and grabbed the back of my head and smashed it against the keys.. As you can see ive never really felt love from anyone. Then in the sixth grade I got interested in boys and my first boyfriend was not special in my books at all, not even a memory. None of my boyfriends were because all of them were just so I didnt have to go home till I had to sleep. Life went on like this for awhile.. people would call me names for dating all the guys and my brother would beat me up now too. I never seemed to please anyone, especially myself. I hated myself for it. I would take in these names and convince myself that I was all these things and I do play sports but all it does is make me feel worthless, as i’m bad at it and I know it.. I honestly dont see the reason to live anymore.

One of the best things to ever happen to me was someone falling in love with me and somehow.. I did too. I’ve never felt so happy in my life, it was everything I imagined love would be like. To have someone there for you and to talk too. I finally felt happiness but as 3 years passed he grew old of me.. how I dreaded this day would come.. he told me that he wanted to see other people. Now this really did it in for me. I had nothing left for me. The one person to finally give me everything had left me with absoluetly nothing.

Now here I am still trying to cope with life when all-in-all I really cease to see the point anymore. From birth I was always given a hard time. Ever since he left all I feel is numbness.. I used to cry when I was in the dark now.. I prefer it. But one of the best things is I do not have friends, no one to tell any of this too because no one likes me and so im always alone like I always have been and I just want it all to end.. I think it’d be easier to end it all than to face another problem that finally destorys me. All my life i’ve been strong as I can.. but my best is never good enough. I’ve tried killing myself 2 times already.. how bad can someone be to fail at their own attempt to kill themselves?