Stay Strong? or Die …….

I hate feeling sorry for myself. I realize how good I got it. How AWESOME my life would be to most. On the outside this “wanna-be hard ass” or that “beautiful smile that lights up a room” type of happy-go-lucky girl (As my 4th grade teacher would say). This girl who’s loud and fun to be around aka the LIFE of the party; that girl who doesn’t want the party to stop ……. That’s the problem ; that’s who you see … That’s who I allow you to see. I’m SUCH a good actress aren’t I? … because this girl inside , is dying … dying slowly from the words you told her .. from the words you expected her to believe .

It all started in fourth grade. I attended Pontiac Elementary School in Cola , SC . She was indeed the “weird” girl in class .. the “*****” . That wasn’t who she always was though. I met this group of friends there was four of us including me. We had each others backs . . . everyone KNEW that it was US who hung out together. This one guy … he made my life hell from the first day I laid eyes on him. He made me cry every chance he got .. and the bad thing about was … it NEVER stopped ; he was my next door neighbor . YES ! NEXT DOOR >.< my life was hell for that ENTIRE year . Fights on the bus , everyone in the classroom EVEN my four “best friends” hated me. Every chance they got .. I was victimized . . . and that’s where this wall … Wall between my heart and the world began to grow … within time the bigger,taller,and wider that wall got.

5th grade year I started gaining weight … Life at home was crazy .. Single mom raising four kids by herself ; with me being the second oldest. I’ve always never wanted my mom to worry about me .. So I practically did everything by myself … THat’s why I’m so independent now. Fifth grad year they introduced us to this program called the D.A.R.E Club. I was down FULL HEARTEDLY to this program. I vowed never to do drugs, I thought it was nasty and unlady like . Till a former classmate told the D.A.R.E coordinator that I had opened the email to the D.A.R.E essay winners and I was telling everyone who won . (which was true . yes i’m stupid . but it was dare. by the SAME GIRL who told the officer . i didn’t tell anyone tho ; i just opened it … smh at my attempt to try and be cool) . I didn’t get to graduate from the program . and that day on … i developed the mentality of “Everything you care about doesn’t care about you” I still believe that till the day. I was the only one in my class to NOT graduate from D.A.R.E. To be honest it was harsh for me .. and guess what I turned to ………… DRUGS.

6th grade year I enter EL Wright Middle School … I was a ***** . I told myself that NO ONE was gonna hurt me and everyone will know that I was THAT ***** . That was my goal … I met people .. clashed with people but I stood my ground. I met this guy who was like a “weed man” . I started smoking and that’s what I loved. My dad was a smoker also .. so i would take his cigs and you know light some in the back of the house wiith my cousins … smoking was my new MUSE. my new love . while all this was going on my mom was working hard. busting her ass . and i wasn’t appreciating it. I started hanging with people who knew older people who could get me that TREE . and that’s what i did . My FIRST high was November 12 2010 just a few days before my 12th birthday … i was celebrating with a new found group of friends . i felt loved and i felt complete .

7th grade .. i grew into myself . i started to soften out and become more mellow and chiiiiiill . i stole from people and just a lot of things that i regret. wait NO i don’t regret because that shit is making me who i am today. i started getting interested in boys .. dry humping cousins huh? sounded cool did it a few times … felt like a BOSS . but soon i realized that it was just wrong and disgusting .. kissing cousins? what they call it? .. Every chance I got … i got high . my mom ; still working her ass off never worried about her “big baby” … and i never wanted her too. i met people who wanted to tear me down .. but through the tears i stayed strong .

8th grade year was HELL . Tears was all it was . Friends leaving and going . but i had my girls it was 6 of us . 2 of which i was REAL close too .. but i could trust all of them . we got thru the year together and YES we had a few falling outs but if it wasn’t for them i wouldn’t have made it thru the multiple suicide thoughts and everything .

its eighth grade summer now and shit is not going good. my grandmother has suffered and stroke and i just got caught smoking in sandhills mall with a friend. my mom calls me the devil and says she hates me .. instead of calling me her “big baby” she calls me “fat girl” she rolls her eyes at me and she took my iphone … she completely hates me .. she compares me to her other kids and let me tell you .. i’m nothing like them and she sees it . sometimes if feel like if i die … then she won’t have to worry about “fat girl” anymore . when i look in the mirror i feel horrible . like i should kill myself so someone who is more wonderful then me can come in this world. but i just summed up my life to the points of where i started feeling down and depressed all in a few paragraphs … i’m just hoping i can have someoen to talk to .. even if it is to a website . is killing myself the answer? i don’t even have the balls to. BUT i do want to be out of everyones way ….