As I sit before my computer alone for the second day in a row, the sun shines brightly outside. I realize now that the suffering i’m about to undergo is irrational, but is it truly irrational to want to voluntarily give up life for peace? The method of giving up drinking and eating will end my life in the course of 10 days or more, during this time I will experience coming to terms with myself as the pain in my stomach slowly claims my life. I know that there is no way to write final words without them seeming dramatic or attention-seeking. A long time ago I tried to kill myself not one, but 3 times by taking an overdose of sleeping medication. The third time I tried taking my life was unsuccessful, but in the time of my comatose I had managed to erase 16 years of my life. After 48 days of imprisonment inside of the local Victoria General Hospital everything that I had learned had revolved around death. I had watched people die and had spoken with people who would soon cease to exist all while being told by nurses and doctors that it was for my own good.
They were trying to protect me without realizing that what I was surrounded by was slowly killing me. I lost many friends during that time, for my own selfish reasons. I was no longer the person that they remembered, all that they could see was the face of the girl that had hurt them. I always had the love of my parents by my side but never the support, they tried to understand the pain that I felt but replaced the reality with sweet lies of their own. I tried to learn, I saw many beautiful things during the year I had to rebuild my life. Sunsets brought me to tears and snowfall left me breathless, everything I experienced had a brand new feeling. I always prefered to be alone, what I saw was entirely different from what others did and so it was easier to experience it alone without being laughed at for being “Strange” or “Weird”. Searching for someone who could understand was hopeless even though I knew people were trying. Expressing a world of your own through words is never easy. I lived my life in loneliness that way, wandering by myself and pretending to be normal while chaos built up in my mind. The people I surrounded myself with never bothered to feel what I felt, but I was content with being with them, being apart of a group made me feel like I had a place where I belonged. That feeling was short lived, however, as I realized you can not please everyone, and while you may think you are important to people you can be easily replaced. Ignorantly, I waited for someone to come to me and tell me that they loved me and when no one came I picked myself apart and that’s what depression is. The unbearable feeling of loneliness is what leads me to my decision to end the second life I was given. I will continue to ponder the thought of death from every angle I see but I have made peace with my fate and will pass with purpose.
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7 comments
Sorry but that’s a really silly idea, you cannot willfully dehydrate yourself, your body will overtake your desire to die and you’ll drink out of a rain puddle if you have to. Same goes to people who have talked about starvation on here before. It’s not going to work. Instinct to survive will simply overcome you at some point no matter how tough you think your will power is.
You’d be surprised at how powerful your mind can be. The feeling of hunger and thirst passes peacefully within 1-3 days. I believe the reason why people decide not pursue it is because it is not a quick death, you are given 10 days to decide whether you still want to die or not which is why it is a more peaceful method. We all see death in a different light when we feel it is too close to change, or too late.
Could you not try again to meet people? As you rightly say, people won’t always come and find you – sometimes you have to go and find them.
Also, don’t worry about pleasing everyone. So long as you are polite and kind to people, you will please those who are worthy of being pleased. Hopefully they will treat you well in return.
It’s not easy meeting people, or rather, the right people. Receiving just one smile in a day can save a person but I’m afraid the loneliness that I feel needs more than that, I’m not trying to be greedy or demand to be loved, I just don’t want to hurt anymore people with the pain that I feel. I’m in a pretty fucked up mindset.
I have suffered from ulcer in the past and i swear it aint a good look.meet people,live your life and 4ck what people thinks.if they aint so dumb then they wld have knwn u 4 who u are
I’m sorry that you have suffered and I am glad that you have recovered as it was never something that you asked for. I can imagine you must feel apalled by the thought of someone voluntarily wanting to feel or experience a similar pain that you have. I’m trying to consider this path i’m going down from every point of view.
Gimixi, You seem like a really introspective and thoughtful person…I’d like to hear more of your thoughts. A lot of the people choosing death seem to be the “strong” people, who really aren’t getting what they need from the world. There’s nothing wrong with needing people, we’re built to work like that. I’m sad to think of losing an introspective person like you while the dicks of the world keep marching on….