The Only Thing That I Do Well is Destroying People’s LIves

I am a person who has destoyed so many people throughout my adult life.  I met my husband and he was married at the time, I got pregnant.  He did not have a good marriage, or so I was told.  He left his family for me, and we had our baby.   He still had his family, and his children came around at first, but that ended rather quickly.  So we had another baby a year and a half later, and we had our family.  His parents did not want anything to do with us, which I completely understood.  I was hurt, because I was lied to.  So I raised two children thinking I was going to make the best of it.  When my children were about five and four, my mother got very sick and died.  A year later my father died too.  It was a very traumatic time in my life.  I needed support, and my husband turned to drugs and ended up losing his job. I was the sole income of the family, and wanted to keep my life together.  I went back to school while working full time and got my BS and got a good job.  Meanwhile, while my marriage was falling apart, I met a wonderful man at work who “knew me.”  He knew what to say, and how to make me feel that I was love and how I meant something.  He mede me feel like no other person had ever done before.  Oh yeah, did I mention that he was married?  Well, because I did not want to hurt my children, I stayed in the marriage, and kept up the affair.  After all, that’s all that I’m good for, somebody to have sex with, say what you want, and then go home and live your life.  Well, we were “together” for a few years and I wanted to be together with my lover.  He would not budge.  I told him that I would give up everything for him, but his children were too important.  He still meant the world to me, because I thought that was all that I could get, and all that I deserved.  Well then I met someone else at work, who is ten years younger than me.  He was a freind at first, then we just clicked.  I did not want to start anything, but he kept flirting with me, and I even told him that it would not work.  Oh yeah, he just got married a year earlier and I knew his wife.  Needless to say, we had a started a great relationship, and had an affair.  His wife found out, she left him….I destroyed another marriage…………..he is still with me, but I  am so desperate that I put up with anything.  He said that everyone that he knows, they know who I am and that I destoryed his life.  So, I have yet to meet his family and his friends.  I feel horrible about everyting that I have done, I don’t know why I am a magnet for married men, I seriously want to die.  I hate myself for what I have done…for all of the pain I have caused.  I feel that I am a good person, I have accomplished a lot through my academic career, and as far as my life, I feel so inadequate.  I put up with being not worth anything…why would anyone want to introduce me to their family…after all, I broke it up.  I deserve to be gone, and hope that I have enough strength to do it.