Trust Issues

I guess this is part my story; maybe just the trigger to my suicidal thoughts.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I might be depressed, stressed, tired, angry. My parents have no clue what goes on in my head. We’ve never been a close family; my parents are seperated, so my dad visits once in a while. My mother likes to get drunk and cry about the seperation. My siblings go out and ignore this living hell we live in. And I’m the one that has to go through the pain we all go through.

I think my insecurities first started in the summer of 2006, i just moved into a new neighborhood and met a couple guy friends. And i met their cousins who were maybe 18, 19. While, I was 13. One of my good friends told me his cousin wanted to meet me, so i thought it would be fine and i went into the backyard where he said they were. I walked in, by myself thinking my friend, Kevin, was right behind me and he wasn’t, he vanished. As i walked in there was maybe 6 men. all 18+. I was freaking out inside but i didnt really show it. When the guy who really wanted to meet me introduced himself to me, I thought he was normal. As in just another person i had met. Suddenly right after all the guys surrounded me and started talking in spanish, they had salvadorian accents so i couldnt really understand anything. Some of the guys, tried touching my breasts and tried to push me and hold me down on a chair. I was violated, hurt, scared, and trembling. Thank god, Kevin (my real friend) walked in and somehow made them leave me alone.

He somehow got a hold of my cell phone number and started sending me messages. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the first message he sent me, it was a picture of him smiling. With a black Orange County snapback on. The text read, “Hello beautiful, how are you my love.” I was definitely creeped out so i asked him to leave me alone. It didn’t work, i ended up running into him everywhere. He would call me late at night, ask me personal questions, and asked if we could meet up. It was as if he would never leave me alone. I felt threatened because of rumors i heard of him before, so i never told anyone.

That’s when my problems all started. A year after he dissapeared, i was walking home form the local grocery store when i saw a man across the street starring at me and walking at the same pace as me. I would stop walking for a second and so would he. I turned and looked at him, he smiled, winked and started walking my way. I was 14 and didn’t know what to do because I was all alone. I know I shouldn’t have, but i started to run. I just ran as fast as i could. I ended up in some type of apartment complex which i couldnt find my way out of. I eventually found my way home, and thanks to the lord. I haven’t had any weird type of situation like that since.

Of course the story doesn’t get better. My trust in men has gone down the sewer. and my dad cheating on my mom really didnt help at all. I feel very vulnerable now. I take risks, i shouldnt take but do it anyways because it feels as if it should feel right.

I feel disgusted everytime a man smiles at me. Everytime theres pyshical contact. Everytime we see eye to eye.

I don’t think theres a point to this, but writing helps me. It makes me feel liberated. Don’t judge.