waiting to die

your accomplishment–and miracle–is feeling the reality of your primal pain, the hurt done to you and stamped into the memory of your body when you were being formed. you are being healed as the pain comes out, as you can tolerate it (and you really can’t tolerate it) little by little. the minute you have some relief, your body wants to wash more up and out. you were really beaten over and over and over and over, you were really twisted and squished, you were really deprived of oxygen to the point of death, your neck was really pulled and yanked, your little self survived–undeserving of the cruelty–and now it is releasing the energy of the pain, not wanting to kill you by doing so, but it feels that this is the time, it chose to do so purposely when you were progressing wonderfully, when this happens you feel the horrific nearness of death, you feel the reality of your own history, it is asking you not to fix it, it can’t be fixed, it is over, only to acknowledge it, this is the truth of your history. It can’t be ignored, it was at your foundation. Your healing comes as it washes over you, up and out. Your brain is actually creating connections during this process, so all the parts can participate in the healing. It is dangerous to you, it would be good if you could have truly expert people to travel with you through this valley of the shadow of death, yes, you are living dangerously close to death, but this is the path to your healing and victory.