What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger

Warning: rant from top of my head. Might randomly skip to from topic to topic.

When I was in eight grade, I thought I knew what long lasting pain and depression were. I had grown up in a “broken” home, I was bullied, I had been cheated on and my brother nearly died from a suicide attempt. I can remember sitting next to his bed and even after I found out he was going to survive, I kept thinking things couldn’t get worse than that. Since then (3 or so years ago), I have been in a abusive relationship, cheated on again lost a friend who was like a brother to me through suicide, been blamed for killing this friend (I was there when it happened), lost my best friend’s sister (also a close friend of mine) through a brain hemmorage, lost my virginity unwillingly, been disowned by many friends and worst of all, lost myself. I’ve had suicide attempts in the past, but I’ve never quite been myself when they happened. I always felt like I was in a dream state like inception (felt like this long before the movie) but in my case, I had no control. It was as if I was watching it happen, not doing it. Throughout everything, I am still here, but I’m no where near “alive”. Every day I wake up and wonder why I bothered. I have no purpose to go on anymore. It’s gotten to the point where people who hate me have honestly asked me why I’m still here and people who love me ask how I have the courage to go on each day. I hear them both so much, yet I’m dumbfounded every time I hear them because to be honest, even I don’t know the answer to either. I mean I’m not religious, so it can’t be that whole “God has a purpose for me” stuff, so what is it? Maybe it’s because of the things I’ve gained in this process (strength, closer relationships), maybe it’s so I don’t hurt others, maybe somewhere deep inside I know or at least hope it will get better or maybe it’s just because I’m just too chicken to end it all. All I know is I’m here and no matter how bad it is, I would never trade my past for anything and no matter how bad the future gets, I’m staying until my time comes naturally and not by my hands.