I’ve been divorced for five years and haven’t managed to get into another relationship. I hate living alone, am now 44, will never have a family of my own, am watching my friends pair up as I go home every night to cats. All of my relationships have been with extremely selfish men and even many of my friends have been disappointing. I’m an atheist and frequently feel as though I am the only person I know with any sense of right and wrong and how we should treat one another. When my ex best friend is now happy because she cheated on her husband to steal her friend’s boyfriend … things I would NEVER do. Karma just can’t be true either. I don’t believe in a purpose or that things work out as they are “meant to†none of that. My happiness is entirely up to me and I have failed. Perhaps my standards are just too high. I can’t seem to lower them so maybe I should just go.
The year I divorced, I’d just bred a horse. I was so happy watching him grow and despite repeated, expensive health problems, I hung on knowing that someday, even if a spinster, I’d be out riding this horse around, competing at shows and even if we didn’t win, he’d be mine. My four legged family if you will. I’ve just been told that this last injury is going to be too much. He may never be rideable. He’s been the thread I’ve hung on for five years of career and relationship disappointments, family disappointments (don’t get me started with my completely absent and useless family who only drain and don’t support me in any way).
This all looks pretty tame but maybe it can be boiled down to this: I learned early not to trust people, I learned this from my family. I learned that they will always let me down, this has continued. Animals have been good to me but I’m not grizzly freaking Adams. At the end of it all, I’m just not enjoying myself. I’m having to invent little things to keep myself going. I just don’t want to anymore. I have ZERO safety net, am totally self reliant and now doubt my ability even to take care of myself. I just want out and have for some time.
So how. Pills of course right? That’s the girlie way out. I just had knee surgery and so have lots of codeine and vicodin. I also happen to have a lot of valium and xanax (albeit weird Indian xanax and valium bought on the black market). How much do I take? Why not all of it right? But I don’t want to just wake up in two days in a puddle of vomit with liver disease. I guess I have to write a note too. I don’t want my friends to think they could have helped. And of course only the ones that DID make my life enjoyable will be the ones who think they should have done more. The ones who made me want out will be certain they had no responsibility.
Or what about this…….. how can I make it look like an accident? I get out and no one has to have guilt that they could have helped me. Any ideas? I rather like the accident idea but really don’t want to drive my car off of a cliff.
Is there something I can take that will make me look as though I had a heart attack or died somehow from natural causes? I still need to find someone to take care of my cats. The horse will have a nice pasture home.
15 comments
You may have fail – but only at what you’ve tried so far – you cats and not a “failure” and a lame horse that maybe some would have “put down” because it’s no longer of use or value is not a “failure”.
Before you exit – make sure your cats have been taken care of – I’d like to talk more but I have to run out for a while.
welcome to SP 🙂
dawg
Oh I’d be very sure the animals were taken care of and the horse would lead a happy life on pasture. I’d have been gone long ago if it weren’t for the animals.
I have deja vu now. I almost typed, “I’d take care of your cats…”
Grr…
You said… “I’m an atheist and frequently feel as though I am the only person I know with any sense of right and wrong and how we should treat one another.”
Isn’t it weird how it works out that way sometimes?
I’m in the same boat as you, I think. I do have a bit of a safety net, but it’s disintegrating before my eyes, more and more each day. About the only thing keeping me going is writing, and trying to help people. And my cats. So there’s that, too.
when i was reading your post, i swear it felt like you had just wrote about me!
i have just come out of a long term relationship,which i thought had a future in it, but ended due to him and his selfishness, and like you , he isnt the first selfish man i have dated in my life. it seems the more you do and give to somebody,the more they take advantage of your kindness and give you nothing in return.
i also feel alone, and while i see people who i went to school with etc getting married, settling down, starting families etc i feel like i have failed somehow,even though i tried to be a decent human being.
I am also a atheist , and would also feel like i have more sense of whats right and wrong, and how to treat others.
just want you to know that your not the only one out there that feels that way x
blind atheist sheep go die and meet god .l.
Religiously devout. Keep your comments to yourself because you have not died and seen what lies beyong do not think you can dictate what is and what is not. Btw im not an aethist i just dont like people pushing their beliefs on others.
@inf1n1: baaah. Meep.
He probably won’t offend the non-believers. It’s just another indication of the nihilism that’s overtaking Christianity these days. I used to run a site that catered to theology and philosophy nuts, and it’s something I’ve thought would happen sooner or later. Absurd Christian trolls? Freaking classic. Preservation of the saints either means nothing, or most Christians these days have faith in nothing.
good answer 8 … sounds like ‘someone else” around here – there’s always one or two in the crowd – ignore the supposed believer who has yet to learn the lessons of love jesus taught.
I’d love to meet god – i could give him a few societal construct tips if he’s not too busy with a flood or fire & brimstone trickery – but alas – there’s no empirical evidence of the existence of any creator – so i’ll stick with the here and now and treat people and animals with respect and honesty without and need for “guidance” from a contradictory “book” that has about 50+ different “versions”, all written and collated by mortal men.
@mjinsf – sorry – not exactly what I had in mind when I said I wanted to talk to you earlier
old godless dawg
@Dawg: your last line about ‘old godless dawg’ reminded me of the old joke about the dyslexic atheist that didn’t believe there was a dog.
-*I’d love to meet god – i could give him a few societal construct tips if he’s not too busy with a flood or fire & brimstone trickery – but alas – there’s no empirical evidence of the existence of any creator – so i’ll stick with the here and now and treat people and animals with respect and honesty without and need for “guidance†from a contradictory “book†that has about 50+ different “versionsâ€, all written and collated by mortal men.*-
@Dawg, very well said my friend!
‘we shouldn’t even need the word “atheism”. If people didn’t invent ridiculous imaginary gods, rational people wouldn’t have to deny them’ – Ricky Gervais
That’s my thoughts and feelings on religion all tied up in one quote! Never thought I’d use a Ricky Gervais quote on here either
I always get a kick out of when believers think atheists “hate god” … we “hate god” as much as we hate when it rains money … IF it ever did actually rain money – no one would “hate” it (as long as they had umbrellas LOL) – but there’s just no such thing as ‘raining money” … so it just cannot be hated and likewise, it’s simply pointless to ‘hate” god that atheist believe does not exist to be the object of the hatred.
what we are is angry that believers (mortal men) want to impose their beliefs on us and when we simply say “but here is no evidence that god even exists” – they spew such venom and hatred at us … funny, because I don’t recall jesus ever saying “if they don’t believe – hate them with every ounce of your being and attack them mercilessly in my name” … i just don’t recall that from my bible studies
peace dawg
“If there was a God. I would spit in his face for subjecting me to this. If there was a Devil, I would sell my soul to make it end. If there was something Higher that controlled out f*** fates, I would tell it to take my fate and shove it up its f*** a**. Shove it hard and far, you ***. Please end. Please end. Please end.â€
― James Frey, A Million Little Pieces
One of my favorite quotes.
Well Said!