why me…

It’s around 4:30am, I have work in a few hours, I wanted to make a post about how I’ve been thinking and thinking of people who came and went in and out of my life. Why have I always been overly attached to those people?

In middle school I dated a family friend’s son. I was with him for about 1 and a half year? I never  grew attached to him like I was gonna do with the next 3 upcoming men in my life. I did happen to love this kid, but it never actually cried and ache for him. After that was over, I met a guy name K. He was the cutest thing , I was still young of course, middle school years aha, But that’s when it all started, I began to grow overly attach to him, to the point where he grew sick of me after hearing a stupid rumor from one of his girl friends. Well it was over and done with, but I went to beg him to take me back, I even went to his house to try to talk to him which was a long way, away from my house. It was strange for me, that went on for about a year or more of me trying to get over K.

Eventually I moved states which made me get over it, I came across a older gentleman he was 38 and I was 17. We develop a friendship through a game, everything was nice and cool between us, we eventually started to talk outside the game in which we instant msg each other, and I knowing he had a family and I actually wanted to be with this guy. J.  we talked constantly until he felt it was wrong ( which it was considering the age and his family) I knew and understood that it would never be more then just a friendship, yet again I felt loved and cared for, and I also begged him when he left to please stay with me. I always felt like I had no one to look after me. He completely blocked all contact with me. That took me a long time to get over as well.

Now to my last and 3rd relationship with R. He was the most important person in my life, I basically felt he helped me shape my character into who I am today, He is in and out of my life constantly, which hurts and is hard to get over with, (in my previous post I talked and shared my story about him if you would like to get into details, which are now the reasons I want to commit suicide) I am still dealing with this. I honestly don’t know where this overly attachment to these guys came from. I didn’t use to be like this, Plus it’s very hard for me to actually like someone on that level, and when I do I guess I tend to give it my all, when it doesn’t work out I feel like complete shit. I pretty much think I’ve screw all these relationships myself, I take the blame for it.

I don’t know why I am writing this post really, I am just writing to maybe get an understanding and looking back to this, at every single one of these break ups have been my fault, my immaturity, and my selfishness. Everything is my fault.

My questions- why didn’t I get attached to the first one?

-why did the last 3 have that the first one didn’t?

-why have I managed to screw these people over if I loved and cared for them?

I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, I’m just trying to figure this out…..