I’ve never understood why the people around me see me being suicidal as an assault on them. Sometimes I feel like the attempts that people have made to save me are just vanity driven allowing them to remain void of guilt largely because when people realise they can’t save me they get fed up and leave. It’s clear they don’t care. But worse than all of this is the way everyone from ‘friends’, family, and sometimes even mental health professionals use emotional blackmail against you. I’ve been called selfish because I have a 5 year old daughter (she has been taken from me). My alleged BEST FRIEND asked me what kind of evil person would leave a child to grow up with no mother. After all this is just a phase. And my Mum has just put so much effort in to trying to get me help. Why don’t I care about that? And why don’t I appreciate the fact that I even have a friend. I have been told that it is my fault people leave me because I don’t stay in touch with them, that when I have missed a party, or dinner date because I just haven’t been able to pick myself up out of the corner I am selfish. It was my friends birthday/graduation whatever. I don’t open up to people so how would they know what I was going through? I just come across as being selfish, ungrateful and evil apparently. The people that have an idea what is going on still apparently think this way. The man that is supposed to love me promised to come and see me last time I was in hospital and then didn’t bother to show and a few week later informed me it was because I was too hard to deal with when I was ‘like that’. My friend was visiting from Sweden when I was sectioned. Having nor spoken to her since then yesterday I recieved this from her:
‘I dont know everything so Im not going to judge or tell you what to do, but I hope you can sort everything out but I dont think we can meet up again until you have sorted stuff out’
People treat me as though I am bad. As though I choose to be like this. I would like to share my story another time so everyone here can understand what has driven me to this place. I think anyone should understand why my life has gone the way it has but it seems no matter what those on the outside always see suicide as purely self indulgent. Am I really all of those things or am I just desperate?