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Am I Selfish, Ungrateful, EVIL?

by lonelyldngirl

I’ve never understood why the people around me see me being suicidal as an assault on them. Sometimes I feel like the attempts that people have made to save me are just vanity driven allowing them to remain void of guilt largely because when people realise they can’t save me they get fed up and leave. It’s clear they don’t care. But worse than all of this is the way everyone from ‘friends’, family, and sometimes even mental health professionals use emotional blackmail against you. I’ve been called selfish because I have a 5 year old daughter (she has been taken from me). My alleged BEST FRIEND asked me what kind of evil person would leave a child to grow up with no mother. After all this is just a phase. And my Mum has just put so much effort in to trying to get me help. Why don’t I care about that? And why don’t I appreciate the fact that I even have a friend. I have been told that it is my fault people leave me because I don’t stay in touch with them, that when I have missed a party, or dinner date because I just haven’t been able to pick myself up out of the corner I am selfish. It was my friends birthday/graduation whatever. I don’t open up to people so how would they know what I was going through? I just come across as being selfish, ungrateful and evil apparently. The people that have an idea what is going on still apparently think this way. The man that is supposed to love me promised to come and see me last time I was in hospital and then didn’t bother to show and a few week later informed me it was because I was too hard to deal with when I was ‘like that’. My friend was visiting from Sweden when I was sectioned. Having nor spoken to her since then yesterday I recieved this from her:

‘I dont know everything so Im not going to judge or tell you what to do, but I hope you can sort everything out but I dont think we can meet up again until you have sorted stuff out’

People treat me as though I am bad. As though I choose to be like this. I would like to share my story another time so everyone here can understand what has driven me to this place. I think anyone should understand why my life has gone the way it has but it seems no matter what those on the outside always see suicide as purely self indulgent. Am I really all of those things or am I just desperate?



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aimeeze 8/16/2012 - 10:52 am

You are not evil, everyone else who says that is evil, your not selfish, they are they are only thinking of themselves when they say that to you. If I was your friend I would stay by your side as long as I was could. Thats the only way you can stop being “like that” is if you have someone who understands. If you want to talk more email me Aimee 2115 at gmail dot com

Dallas 8/16/2012 - 11:14 am

Uh, I’ll take “Desperate” for $200.

No, seriously, I think that the non-depressed who try to help a loved one/friend who IS depressed are more than a little lost. In all the suicide notes I’ve written (lots), I’ve tried to explain what’s going on inside my head, but I have to use words and phrases that don’t mean to them what they mean to me. To them, things like “nothing interests me anymore” simply means “I’m bored”. But so what? They’ve been bored and gotten over it, so what shouldn’t I? I tell them I’m “depressed”, but to them “depressed” simply means “sad”, and they’ve been sad before and gotten over it, so why shouldn’t I?

Sometimes it helps to say that “the anhedonia is bad today”. If you have been able to train them to understand that “anhedonia” means that you are not capable of feeling interest, no matter what, then, never having thought of themselves as having anhedonia, they understand that the shit storm inside your head is really out of control today, and they just might wind up being able to do the only thing that a someone can do for someone else who is particularly suffering that day, which is to listen and accept, and NOT to run around trying to fix everything, finally leaving mad when their fixes don’t work.

So, in some ways (i.e., the non-agnonizingly painful ways) they’re even more lost than we are.

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