I estimate this fight has been going on for a grueling decade now. As a juvenile I made an attempt. It’s been my only attempt. However, the thoughts never subsided. I learned in this last year that they can get worse. But I still try to carry on. Act as though they don’t exist. These thoughts are very much real I’m sad to say.
Ive tried seeking help. I started by informing my family. As they did when I was a juvenile, it was brushed off. I’ve learned to not tell them much about my life. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t abused as child. I haven’t had any traumatic incident. There just seems to be a lack of love or care. Maybe they are just waiting for it happen.
Life just seems to be waste of time.
When help didn’t come from family I called a hotline. I gave them the rundown. Then silence. I felt like I was brushed off again. The only advice I received from them was to go to the hospital.
I took their advice.
The hospital wasn’t much better. They told me to have a seat and their suicide counsellor would be right out. I’m a patient person. I waited for 2 hours before leaving.
Thats the extent of help I now expect.
I rely on myself for help but I’m stuck in a checkmate. My morals won’t allow to use the method I wish. My dreams keep my morals alive, but are not achievable with these thoughts. I feel if accomplish my dreams then the act could be done. I would have nothing left. Life would be complete.
So I remain in search for a way; that can give way on one side or the other.
2 comments
i get you…that sounds just like me…after three years of trying, i just gave up…my mom thought it was necessary to check me into Laurel Oaks…i was there for too long…i wish that they would understand that at least we are still here trying to reach out for help…at least we are not dead…
Like I’ve been saying a lot lately, “Life’s shit but it’s good shit compared to others” At this point I’ve been thinking to just accomplish what I wish. I would suggest the same. Maybe that route has some secrets and scenarios I don’t know about.
Is Laurel Oaks like a “mental behavior” facility. I was in something like that when I was a juvenile, not for any kind of the suicide nature. More from the stories and stick figure wars I would doodle. But I enjoyed my time there. It’s where I learned to play poker and bullshit. Fun games.
I hope you find your path as I hope we both choose the right one. And I applaud you for still being here with us even when the ones close to us seem not too.