I hit a new low last night. There is one person who, without fail, makes me happy – even if said happiness is fleeting. However, last night, I was so close to cancelling our catch-up because I just didn’t feel like catching up.
We did catch up, and I’m glad we did … in a way.
What it has gone and done is confirmed that I’ve pretty much invested 18 years of my life in the wrong person. Not helpful.
I also feel under siege at work. My depression has got to a point where it has noticeably affected my work, and my boss’s boss had to have a chat to me. Not quite Formal Warning stage, but they wanted to know why my work had suffered so dramatically. I couldn’t tell them that I was clinically depressed to the point of being suicidal. I couldn’t tell them that my work environment was crushing what little confidence I had left. I couldn’t tell them that, because of them, I met someone that made me question pretty much every aspect of my life up until this point. I forget what I said, I think I mumbled something about ‘economic conditions’, and then I stayed back late.
On the plus side, my special friend is incredibly happy now. She works for a new employer where she feels valued and she feels she has a future. Some of her happiness was infectious, and made me feel better. She reminds me of me, only with a future. That makes me feel happy for her, but sad that I can’t help her share in this a little more … even though, deep down, I think this is something we’d both really like.
4 comments
Is there a reason you can’t confide in your employer about your depression? I know it’s the hardest thing to admit, and people who don’t have it just totally have no clue, but you won’t know unless you say something. Maybe there’s something they can do to help.
If I worked for a larger organisation, I would use their counselling service. That said, I am currently seeing a psychologist and I have found this both helpful and unhelpful at the same time (I know that doesn’t make much sense). I really don’t like where I work; I miss the old industry I was in and I can pinpoint the very first tactical error I made that pretty much banished me to career purgatory.
Thanks for your reply, wisegirl213. I do appreciate it. 🙂
@wisegirl The reason she cant confide in her employer is 1) Being suicidal is a very personal issue that most people are hesitant to share with their counselor much less their boss. 2) Her boss would never look at her the same again and telling her boss about her deathwish would be job social suicide.
@GSXRScott: And she’s a he. A bit of a girly-man, but a he nonetheless. 😛 I probably muddied the water by covering two topics: 1) my work performance and 2) my happiness that a very special woman in my life seems to be getting her life together.